Now we've gone and done it.

Well, we broke down and started assembling Babytown (formerly known as our house) today. Or actually, we are in the middle of it. (I've been taking breaks to feel still very sick from last night.) Either way, it is under construction. And, I'll be honest, it's really hard. We've washed the clothes, seats, etc. And, one seat is even assembled in its place in the family room. The car seat is ready to roll and I am about to begin folding baby clothes. I wish I could say it felt right or that I was OK with the process. But, knowing all that can happen, my anxiety is at an all-time high. I've been on an emotional roller coaster, which has led me to crying, throwing up, etc. But, we are pushing through. (And, thank goodness for Eleanor to keep me up and running.)

Needless to say, I miss Sophie every day. (Especially as more and more people seem to mention her less and less, although that's a battle that hurt too much to wage and that I gave up long ago.) But, putting out the seats makes my heart hurt. I remember the process of putting them away, unused. And, it breaks me down a bit. (When we had Eleanor, I never even took the seats out - our families had to come in and do that. And, I didn't even wash the clothes until we had her home.) So, this is a first for me since Sophie. I am happy and know how lucky I am to have Eleanor, and how blessed I am to have even this moment with Baby J. But, I can't help but feel the stabs of pain as I prepare for a new baby and spend time watching Eleanor grow, knowing how my heart aches and missing my Soph.

No matter what happens, I love my girls. And, I won't regret preparing the house hoping for the best.

Prepare to be born, Baby J.
Rest up for the days to come, Eleanor.
Watch out for our hearts, Sophie Salome.