Dreaming of her.

Dreamt of Sophie twice this week.
She was no black haired, galloping toddler.
Each time, she was a newborn.
Small, pink, warm, and still.
She was a quiet form, gone already.
But perfectly preserved in her tender pliability.
I was not able to watch her grow in dream land.
Yet, I held her for hours, and even now I can feel her smallness.
I did not hear the cries or laughs of what might have been.
I was not able to dress her or look into her eyes.
This was no fantasy of what ifs.
It was real - the memories that are all I have.
Real, in my dreams of her.

Her skin was soft. I touched it again with my index knuckle, the way I stroke sweet Eleanor's. And, Eleanor was there with me, playing in my arms and touching her sister's face. Sophie was small enough to wrap in a pink blanket, and to carry very gently. I held her against my body, and she warmed me deeply in my heart. She was not breathing, and everyone knew. But, in my dream, that was not strange. Not morbid, or sad. Not lonely, or finite. No reason to look at me with pity, or for me to cry out. She completed me with her warm tiny motionless body. I took her from place to place, and Bill so carefully tended to her. She was preserved in rose and strawberry, and she smelled of baby as I pressed my cheek against hers. Our time together was short, but real. It must have been heaven for us both.

Small & Smaller

Eleanor met her new friend, Lila Noelle Criss, over the weekend! She is such a sweet little lady, and our brand new very special buddy!















With Levi, who is Lila's daddy.

She loves Levi.

Wait - where's Levi? Where's Lila?

Much better!

And, a little Mommy time.

A Warm Welcome.

Eleanor and I got home this evening, and the house smelled like cinnamon and sugar. Bill had actually baked snickerdoodles from scratch (plus coffee and almonds!). He is a good daddy, and a pretty awesome husband as well. :o)

(He also left me a message of a rendition of "Big Girls Don't Cry", by Fergie, performed in his own ear-piercing falsetto. Always a bonus.)

Update...

Eleanor's friend, Lila, was born October 20th, and is happy and healthy! Congratulations Criss Family!

Pig Progression.

So, Eleanor began her life grunting and oinking. That deep throaty noise that babies make when they are first vocalizing. Now, over the last few days, has begun a whole new era in noises. The squeal. There are different vowel and consonant combinations, but the thing they all have in common is a prolonged, high-pitched, joyous noise, combined with a mischievous smile. Pretty much the cutest thing ever!

Eleanor is so pumped...

That she even rolled over! Not just a tumble, no surprise this time - a strategic three-point turn. And why is she so pumped? Because her friend, Lila, is going to be born any minute!!!

Okay, now I am done with my tummy.

Tummy in time...in pink.

I don't usually do this...

But some of Eleanor's cutest moments are straight out of a shower with mommy. Especially when we are wearing matching towels. So, forgive the bare shoulders (and the allusion to once nakedness).

PS - check out the ever-present tongue.

Family Night.

We are busy busy lately! Bill takes a class Tuesday, so he doesn't get home from the day until around 10.30 pm. So, that is a bit of a lost day. And, Monday we had dinner with my dad, so Wednesday evening before Eleanor's bedtime was the only time we've really been together (just the three of us) in days. :o)

Pizza Night.

Eleanor wishes she had her own little pizza...

October 15th.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. We will be lighting a candle this evening for ourselves, Sophie, and for our friends who have lost children (and anyone close to them).

Yay!

Congratulations to the Cox family on the birth of their daughter, Llandis. Maybe someday we'll meet each other's families in person - finally!

:o)

Walking in October

The wind hurts as it slices at my skin. It is so clearly October - the sky and earth scream that Autumn is here. I am walking with Eleanor, and my legs are red and rough where the skin is exposed just above the knee. Leaves whip and slash across our faces, and the air smells of things burning. Each leaf and gust that angrily paints my face with Fall strikes bone. My body remembers. This is a time of loneliness, aching arms, phantom stirrings. A time when the early-falling night brings fear and sadness deep as dark stretches of space. I feel the pain of fresh birth in my womb. The body remembers being without. The muscles remember, the shoulders, the jaw, the upper legs, the vocal chords, the clenched fists. The eyes remember crying, and the mouth crying out. When the wind blankets, the body shudders with remembrance.

I look up at the sky and try to see her in the sharp contrast between reddening leaves and sapphire pearlescence. I look left and right as I drive, looking for a small ocean-eyed girl in the woods or on the highway, standing shivering and alone without me. My heart longs for her. I look at the clear unblinking blue of Eleanor's eyes, and I touch her apricot skin. Her smile breaks my heart so cleanly. And, again, my body twists away from the wind memories, protecting us.

Big Girl Days and Nights.

Well, Miss Eleanor had her four month check up today. The news is in, and it is all good! Eleanor weighs 14 lbs 12 oz (75th percentile), and is 25.5 inches long (close to the 90th percentile!). And, I forget her head size, but it's normal. :o)

Doctor Awesome (our wonderful pediatrician who makes Eleanor feel like a princess) suggested we start on rice cereal and yellow, orange, or green veggies ASAP! Wow. (Didn't expect that today!) So, Eleanor tried rice cereal this evening. She "sorta-kinda" liked it. There was not much eating going on, a lot more spitting and rolling of the tongue. And, there were moments you would think we were torturing her, but eating efficiently is seriously business for Fat Bellynor, and this hitch in her step was maddening. But, it was day one. Onward and upward from boring porridge - a.k.a. "borrige".

ALSO, Doctor Awesome told it was time to put Eleanor in a big girl bed (baby crib). He didn't mandate it, but he wanted to encourage me to go for it... So, right at this moment, my tater tot is in her own crib - (insert "eeeeek" face from previous post). I am sure midway through the night I will bring her into our room, but for now she is in her own room (Eeeeek).





Big Day. Mommy feels like she's the one with growing pains.

Stuff.

Eleanor has decided she is basically the most awesome baby of all time. (Anyone who sees us together will recall that I have never been shy about acknowledging this truth.) But, the new developments - she sleeps eight or nine hours every night (and naps twice a day), she talks fabulously, she loves to drool, she pounds her thunder thighs to get what she wants, she found her hands and is even beginning to use them, she chose a pink stuffed elephant (I think because he was in her car seat the day she figured out she could choose things). Four month check-up Monday - so excited! Pictures to come...