Monday, June 28, 2010

Oh my.

I'm still here.  It's agony to post.  It's just agony.  Why?  Well, because I don't want to be honest.  Mainly because I won't do anything justice.  This makes no sense.  So, I'm going to freestyle a bit.

As always, I think MckDaddy is an unbelievable douchebag.  PC = POS.

I spent the last few weeks so anxious to the point of weeping, not eating, yelling, calling doctors, subjecting Eleanor to tests, and more, because I had created an illness for her in my mind.  I realize that's insane.  And according to everyone who knows us, the pediatrician, and bloodtests, she's completely fine.  No worries, therapy's in the works.  But, it's been a rough few weeks.  You know with the serious, legit, neurotic, PTS-related, psychotic breakdown and all.

Eleanor is in bed right now talking to her imaginary friends about her favorite things--"Grandmother."  Well, she does have two first rate real grandmothers--a GeeGee and a Mimi.  But, "Grandmother" is neither of them.  She is a mythical person who has a house far away.  Eleanor and Osho and Giglu spend a lot of time preparing to go to "Grandmother's."

Josephine is replying by incessant talk of "Maggich."  That's baby-speak for "Magic."  I love the word "Magic."  So, when I hear little Jo talking about "Maggich," it knocks my socks right off.

Umm, I know I mentioned this, but I'm a psycho.  Like, treating it.  Dealing.  Ok 70% of the time.  But having aftershocks of loss and fear of losing more at the most random times.

Oh yeah, Eleanor turned three.  I know I mentioned that weeks ago.  But, all my neuroses aside, the news is in on her and it's all good.  She's almost 28 lbs (17th percentile) and is just over 3 feet tall!  Growing, styling, sassing, ploofing.  Pixie-perfect for life.

Jo will be 18 months in two days.  Bam.  One and a half.  She whines every so often (for hours on end), and she throws things in the tub, and she flips her high chair, and she even throws the occasional tantrum.  But.  Is she not the most lovable creature in the history of creatures? 

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Bits.

Well, so I haven't done all the posting I've promised.  So, I'll start with why.  There are coincidental reasons, but there are also technological explanations for my absense.  And, no, it's not tech problems.  Very much the opposite.  I have the diabolical combination of an iPhone and Facebook.  So, I can post many of my pictures and thoughts with my thumb as it glides accross a tiny, perfectly pixelated screen.  With the phone, I take the pictures, edit the pictures, within moments am able to post them to facebook.  That's great, except it's made my fast, light, sleek, small, cute, green laptop seem as hulking and gawky as ENIAC.  So, my new mission is to email myself any photos I plan to use in posting. 

From here forward, this will just be a little, teeny, tiny  update on Eleanor and Josephine.  Just to catch everyone up.  And to train my brain to hold a thought captive for more than one minute.

Eleanor is hilarious.  She is still focused and independent (read: in her own world) about 50% of the time.  The other 50%, she is super social.  And 100% of the time, she is hilarious.  One of her "things" is pretending she is a baby when she gets out of the tub.  She wants to be wrapped like a burrito in her princess towel and cuddled. She uses an invisible pacifier.  She says "Goo Goo Gah Gah."  Then, she grows up fast.  All in this weird high pictured voice that she uses when imitating anyone but herself.  She says "Mama!"  And, makes me say, "Oooh, the baby said 'Mama'!"  Then, she starts saying words like "Necklace!"  And, I say "Oooh, the baby said 'necklace'!"  Then she says "pretty necklace."  And, you get the picture.  But, her new thing is not just to be a baby, but to be Josephine.  So, naturally, she insists on being called Josephine.  But, equally naturally, this is very confusing to real Josephine.  Today I told her as much.  This is how it went.

CAGB: Eleanor, who is this on your underpants?
EAB: No no, silly Mommy.  I'm not Ulnor.  I'm Jofine.
CAGB: Well, baby, I think this game might be confusing to the real Josephine.
EAB: She's the real Jofine, and I'm the SOY* JOJO!

*Eleanor detests soy milk - she won't even tolerate it in cereal.  So, all she knows is that there are real/regular/cow's milk, breast milk, or soy milk.  So, lately, anytime something is an imitation/not the genuine version of something, it's the "soy___." 

Josephine has begun with verbal antics lately.  For example, she wakes up from her nap and makes this hilarious faux-terrified expression, raises her eyebrows, and stage whispers "Mossies!"   To which I always reply, "Where?"  And she says, "O-sigh."  That means "Monsters!" "Where?"  "Outside."  She then runs to the nearest door or window and screams "THERE! SEE MOSSIES!"  She is a very silly sillypants.  She also does things like yelling "Oh wow!  'S Chockey!" when her milk is surprisingly a bit chocolatey.  And did I mention her voice has been likened to that of a baby dinosaur?  :o)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I need something.

If I'm going to keep this up, I need to challenge myself.  The fact is, when I started this blog, I had deep raw feelings, momentum, a lot at stake.  Now, I know blogging is still "in" and awesome, but I sometimes feel like my stop on this train may have passed miles back. 

This leads to more interesting and important (read: narcissistic) questions I've been asking myself.  And mostly they revolve around my laxness with my creative endeavors.  I feel like I'm losing something of myself in this busy life.  At the end of the day, I lay on the couch and watch tv or troll the internet.  The parts of me that are literary are buried in there somewhere - but they are buried deep.  Lately beneath a lot of worry.  A lot of missing Sophie.  A lot of being overwhelmed by the mundane.  A lot of not feeling in touch with the big, broad world.  A lot of not "talking" about how I feel.  I haven't written a poem in months.  Months.  I haven't read a book in a full month.  A month.  I have spent this month missing Sophie.  Imagining my world without the hurt of losing her.  I've been relishing in Eleanor and Josephine certainly (even when they've driven me all the way to Crazy Town, where they are also honorable co-mayors).  But when naptime (ha) comes up, I lay catatonic.  My heart aches for something, but I choke it down and whitewash over it.  And, in time, that whitewash is becoming what I am.  The layers are thickening.  At times, so thick it is hard to breathe. 

So, anyway, a challenge is what I need.  I will be coming up with one.  Maybe the old blog needs a new face.  A new angle.  Or an old angle revisited.  I don't know.  I don't need people to read - goodness knows I haven't been doing my part lately.  But I need to write.  I need to get that piece of myself back.  So, I will go to bed inspired tonight, and wake up with brain astormin'.  Creative juices apumpin'.  (?)

I hope.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Three Years Ago...

...I experienced the greatest joy and relief of my life - Eleanor was born.  Sometimes I debate what was worse in the moment, losing Sophie or the constant and gripping fear I would lose Eleanor.  It was just like my loss was played out on repeat throughout my pregnancy, when I was sure Eleanor, too, would slip away.  You can imagine then my utter astonishment and joy when, three years ago, she was born, pink, sweet, and screaming.  She completed me.  She was a different entity - new, whole, perfect, wonderful Eleanor.  A little girl like nothing I'd ever known.  My Eleanor.


(2007)

Today, she is a hilarious, bright, verbal, passionate, three year old Rapunzel-Pixie hybrid.  She is everything I didn't know she'd be - she loves getting dirty, pink-and-fuschia, dancing, popcorn, ponies, crafty things, fashion, animals, her Cowwy Boy, zucchini, Josephine, "her friends," and lollipops.  She lifts me up when she tells me she loves me and my heart breaks for her when she gets disappointed on the playground.  She makes me laugh with her pleasant and mature sense of humor, and cry with her depth of feeling. 


(2008)

I couldn't feel luckier than to have been with her these last three years.  The light in my life is very bright.  I am surrounded by blue eyes, little sticky hands, sweet soft songs ("Once a time, there was a butterfly, flappin' her wings..."), and distinct aesthetic demands.

(2009)


And my goodness - I love her.  Happy Birthday, Sweet Sass.

(2010)
I love you, Ella Bella.

Also, my warmest thoughts go out to our sweet friends of Team Llewellyn.  We love you.

And, I hereby proclaim that I will be posting more.  Seriously.  There will be a post coming on *not* posting.