Have Merc(a)y. (No BS here, be ready.)

1) My first concert was the Beach Boys. At age 8, I saw them with a special guest on the drums. John Stamos. In a leather vest and pants.

2) I bite my nails. The only time in life I've successfully stopped was my whole pregnancy with Sophie. My nails were so strong.

3) I drink at least three cups of coffee a day. (Also, the only time I've stopped was my whole pregnancy with Sophie. Then, my will was strong.) I'm a better person with coffee. Anytime I would yell at my students, they would try to ply me with coffee from the teacher's lounge.

4) I am awesome at all things I don't understand. (Computers, TVs, mechanical items, etc.) If I can remove myself from the things I think I understand and acknowledge that I, in fact, understand nothing, I can fix anything.

5) I have a sailor mouth. I will cuss up a storm in the appropriate situation. All the words you wish you could say, I say them.

6) I eat peanut butter and jelly every day. Without exception.

7) I am not sure if I am more or less strange than I fancy myself. I mean, I think I am pretty strange (meaning in both the charming way and the genuinely down deep f-ed up way). And, then I think, is it self-centered to think I am the strangest person I know? (And, does it make a difference if I like that about myself?) Does my strangeness just make me average?

8) I really like kids. Like, I have almost infinite patience with them. I taught middle school and did fourth grade aftercare. Now, I watch my 12 and 10 year old nephews. And, secretly, I love it. That kind of says it all.

9) I imagine sometimes that Sophie is alive. I play out incredibly elaborate scenarios in my head of how my life would be with my two girls. And, then, those scenes stretch forward and back, and my whole life is different. (Usually it backfires, and I crash.)

10) I dream up houses in my head. To the very last detail. Type of wood flooring, wall colors, patterns on chairs, art on the walls, light fixtures, tea kettles, curtain rods, bed spreads, the candle scents, where the Christmas tree will go. And, if I want to, I can go to those houses in my brain. I remember them forever. Hundreds since childhood.

11) I add up my budget at least every day. On decorative note paper. The same budget over and over. With an elaborate system of additions, subtractions, arrows, acronyms, and abbreviations.

12) Bill is an unusual choice of mate for me. I always swore I would never marry a white man. Too entitled, too boring, whatever. I was immature. And, none of that matters, because I have never had more fun than a Thursday night with Bill.

13) I never freak out about what "I'll be." I mean, will I be a writer? Who knows. A teacher? Who knows. I think some people just have it in their DNA to care. Mixed blessing.

14) I am damn decent at a lot of things. Art. (Great drawer.) Music. (Good singer, and I can play any instrument if you show me how. But, if I f up once, never again.) Cook. Dancer. Writer. Anything kind of creative.

15) I am the absolute worst team athlete you know. I was a competitive horseback rider, ran 12 miles a day, was a purple belt in tai kwon do, could do 100 traditional push ups, and was a decent gymnast. But, as for anything "team," don't know my ass from my elbow.

16) I got a perfect score on the SAT verbal.

17) Bill says my freestyle stroke is perfect form. Just in slow motion.

18) I was totally goth from age 12 to 16. There wasn't lipstick dark enough, so I moved on to mascara on my lips. I ate hot wings (mmm, pre-vegan), and definitely soaked the bones in bleach, strung them on a necklace, and wore them to school. At 13, that's interesting. Not at 16. Brooding stops being cute about two days after it starts.

19) Last year, I bought a Bare Naked Ladies CD. Why?

20) I have a red hot temper. Like, kick a hole in the wall, smash a mug style. But, only Bill and my mom, dad, and sister have ever seen it. Lucky them.

21) I am sensitive physically as well as emotionally. If suddenly my shirt feels too tight, my hair has a knot, the music is too loud, or there is an unpleasant smell, I might flip out.

22) I like diet and regular soda the same. I can taste the difference, but they are just like two separate flavors to me.

23) I really care about being smart. If someone says anything negative about me followed by "but she's really smart," I might smile a little. I've always cared. I don't need to be the smartest, but I need to know that I could be if I tried.

24) My work ethic is often lacking. Sometimes, if something seems just too hard or too much work, I become indignant. "No fire in the belly," my dad might say.

25) I am much more lenient in terms of people's sadness since Sophie died. You just don't know what it's like to be someone else.

26) I love the Starbucks gingerbread latte. But, I am really glad it's seasonal. By March, it's one gingerbread latte too many.

27) I love getting older. Each year, I get giddy with the idea of changing age.

28) The look of Bill's snot makes me literally feel like I'll throw up. (Sharply contrasted to my love of my own snot.)

29) I licked american cheese the other day. Enough said.

30) I used to love feeling unfortunate. When my neighborhood chums and I would play, I would always be the blind squirrel, the mute pilgrim, they tragically-ill flight attendant, the quadriplegic mermaid (you can just imagine how that would look, me small and chubby, wriggling pitifully on the floor, with tights on and my legs crossed at the ankle). If there was a wheelchair, I was in it. Thick glasses, I was wearing them. A scarf and my dad's cane, I was wandering blind in the street. My poor mother.

31) I have an obsession with my socks matching my clothes.

32) Smells make me really reminiscent. For example, today I smelled and thought of my grandmother and Sophie. Good memories in smell.

33) "Bill and I sing Aaron Neville at least once a week. And, every time I feel guilty." This is because when I was a kid, there was a peacock farm behind my house. My best friend and I snuck into the peacock enclosure and stole two prize peacock eggs. As we were making for the fence, we heard a old woman's feeble voice ring from the house. "Giiirrrls, it's wrooong to steeaal." In terror, we dropped the eggs and ran. When we arrived back at my house, panting and very upset, Aaron Neville was playing on the radio. My mom must have been rocking out. She had tuna sandwiches ready for us. I was wearing a flamingo capri pant suit. I felt so guilty that now every time I hear/sing Aaron Neville, smell tuna on toast, or wear a flamingo pant suit (not often), I feel extreme shame.

34) The song I sing to Eleanor is Edelweiss. Every night, at nap time, and in the car (if she is sad). It calms her right down. I never planned it, but when she was a newborn, I just started singing it. It's "her song."

35) I smoke OPBs. That's what a teacher at school used to say to me. When, I smoke one cigarette (once every three or four months (oh, the shame)) it is always an OPB. "Other People's Brands."

36) I know the best "Would You Rather." (It must be stated that I believed this to have come from my mom. She denies any connection to this "Would You Rather." Therefore, I have no idea from whence it came. So, I can't officially take credit. (If I was my mom, I would snap that credit right up, because it is so gross and awesome. An impossible decision.)) "Would you rather slide down a razor blade or eat a scab sandwich?" (Obvious reply is "Are they my scabs?")

37) I tell white lies. Usually from awkwardness.

38) In case number 7 didn't make this sufficiently clear, I can be quite a narcissist.

39) My dream car is a Volvo station wagon. It will be my next car, for certain. And, every car on into eternity.

40) I am not religious (I was raised as an atheist). But, I pray every night before dinner. I believe, if nothing else, it is important to think healthy and warm concentrated thoughts at least once a day.

41) I do not take instruction well. Or criticism. But, I am learning to be corrected. There is a lot I know I don't know. Now, I just have to convince myself it's worth learning.

42) I am an awesome climber! Trees, rocks, indoor gyms. I love to climb. Stretch out the old legs.

43) I am pretty short. Not the shortest (wish I was, but I'm not), but 5'2". That's fairly short. But, people think I am taller, because I am not built like a shorty. My torso is short, and my arms and legs are long. (Hopefully) not awkwardly so. But, it definitely makes me look longer than I am.

44) I love Bill because he has a ridiculous laugh, wears tube socks like Kip Dynamite, and whenever he comes in for a smooch he updates me on whatever disgusting food he's been eating. (Imagine you get home and, as your husband comes toward you to kiss you hello, right as his lips near you, he says "I've been eating onions." Gross.)

45) I started eating seafood last summer. But, otherwise, I've been a vegan for 11 years. Oddly enough, as a tiny kid, I LOVED meat. Scrapple, bacon, cube steaks, rare steak, burgers, salami. Delicious.

46) I believe it is important to be accepting of people. When you (people) say words (whether to be mean, or just by default) that are bigoted or hurtful toward groups of people, that makes you a hurtful person. I may not say anything, but it makes my heart hurt. (But, I have hope, because, in that same heart, I believe people are good and people can change.)

47) I love big noses and booming voices. (Although sometimes I am a loud talker, and I hate that about myself.)

48) I only cut my hair once a year. I usually go chin length (but once all the way to the skull), and then let it grow out for the rest of the year.

49) I eat ketchup sandwiches. A hot dog bun with a thin layer of ketchup. Mmm.

50) Sometimes, when I am microwaving something, I spin really fast to pass the time. A full rotation per second. If my kitchen is clean, and I have nothing to do for the last 10 seconds of microwaving, I plant one leg on the ground and use centrifugal (or is it centripetal) force to spin on it at lightning speed.

Bonus: Sometimes when I check on Eleanor while she's napping, I use an exaggerated silent movie type sneak. Knees high, arms drawn up. Kind of creepy. But, it really does seem to be quieter to me.

At the Park!

It was an absolutely beautiful Saturday, so we headed off to a new park. The only sad part of the day was Eleanor's spring allergies. (I have never had allergies, so I was just trotting along when I looked down and saw this. A little scary at first, but just generally pretty sad.)

In the Car.

Today, we got stuck in traffic, so I reached back blindly and took some shots!

Get this!

Eleanor can crawl! She's been a crawling machine today! I officially attribute it to play dates with Madeline, Abigail, and Avery (three same age baby friends - all movers and shakers). With very little warning, she just started creeping along. It is still slow-going and very selectively done, but it is clearly crawling. Clear across the room. Wow. (Not as exciting as it might have been three months ago when I was waiting for it to happen, but still pretty cool.)

Copied from my other blog. Not elegant, but it's honest and it hurts too much to leave it unsaid.

"S" is for Sunday.
I turn your photos at all angles.
Upside down, sideways, longways, backwards.
I try to get inside of them.
I try to touch your dimensions.
Today, you really are gone.
I miss you so much my heart breaks.
It is not beautiful today.
It is not a sweet sadness.
It is frantic, and felt through gritted teeth.
In moments, I want to cry out the worst words.
But, I do it silently, mouth open, but no sound.
You can't hear me say those things.
I pray you are watching me.
Knowing how much I miss you.
If I knew all along I would lose you,
I would carry you again.
Just to have those moments of holding you.
I would do it right.
I would kiss you like I kiss your sister.
In the soft hollow under the chin.
I would kiss and weep into the palms of your hands.
I would take beautiful photos.
I would know then what I know now.
That more than two years later,
It would hurt like it was yesterday.
That missing you would feel like
My organs were being ripped from my body.
Worse than that.
I would know that nothing feels worse.
I would know for sure that
I would never be the same.
I would prepare for this agony.
I would drink in your soft skin.
I would remember your baby shoulders.
I would have brushed your long hair.
I would have dressed you so gently.
I would have held you until the nurse begged to take you away.
I would photograph you from all angles.
So that I could never forget the way your
Neck met your baby chest.
I would plaster my house with the pictures of you.
I would show them to everyone I meet.

A Whole Lot of Stuff.

1) What Eleanor looks like in the mornings, pre-bath.

2) Eleanor met MADELINE, a same age baby friend! (I have to ask Madeline's mommy for permission to post pictures of the two of them, but lucky you if I do.) But, she is sweet and wonderful, and we love her!

3) Eleanor hung out with Nick and Daniel (every day of her life!). They are such good cousins to her.

4) Eleanor had playdates with Abigail and Avery (two of her same age baby friends). I'll try to remember to get permission to post pictures with the Av-ster. And, being honest, between Madeline, Abigail, and Avery, Eleanor has learned a lot. Eleanor is not the world's most mobile child. Physical prowess is just not her strong point. (The mommies of these babies wouldn't but could attest to that.) But in the last few days, after seeing her lady friends, Eleanor has started pulling up on everything (way more than before), cruising a lot more, and even trying to crawl. (In, fact, she just came over to my desk and stood up next to me. No help, mommy, thank you very much.) Thanks, girls!

5) Eleanor hung out at Grandma Jean's on Friday.

6) Aunt Marie took Eleanor and Mommy to meet ponies.

7) Eleanor swung with Daddy! (Look at these faces - who's having more fun!?)

FACT: I AM AWARE THAT THIS POST MAKES ME SEEM COMPLETELY INSANE.

I was tagged by no one, but I found a sneaky way around it. (Leslie C. (as she is known on the blogs of my blog friends I really don't know), who I really don't know, tagged someone named Catherine. So, I am sure it isn't me, because I actually don't know her at all. But, a survey is a survey and a Catherine is a Catherine.

A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.
B. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
C. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 other people and posts their names and leaves a message on their blog letting them know they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog to get directions.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago? Probably mooning over some boy. Laying on my bed listening to some sappy Dave Matthews love song. Or riding my horse, Missy.
2. 5 things on my to do. Go to the bank (sweet). Email one of my companies. Edit a manuscript (for my dad). Pee. Get pumped for the OFFICE!
3. What snacks do I enjoy? I am not really that into snacking right now. But, if I do eat snacks, triscuits or graham crackers are kind of awesome.
4. What would I do if I were suddenly a billionaire? Buy a forever house (our current place is the definition of a starter home). I'd donate to worthy causes and spend extravagantly on friends and family. Then, save.
5. 3 bad habits. I start fights with Bill about money, even when money is ok. I sometimes get into a spell and can't get out. I procrastinate.
6. Six places I have lived: Laurel MD, Gettysburg PA, College Park MD, & Sykesville MD. That's it for me. Only five.
7. 5 Jobs I've had. Pony Pals horsemanship counselor, health food store clerk, Burt's Bees sales rep, middle school teacher, freelance editor. (Wow, that's a crazy collection of jobs. And, mom, of course!)
8. 5 things people don't know about me. There isn't much that people don't know about me. So, I'll really have to think. I am really self conscious about my teeth. The skinnier I feel, the more I suck my stomach in. I talk to myself A LOT (and LOVE it), as in sometimes I tell Bill to leave me alone because I am in the mood to talk to myself. I do ballet leaps when no one is looking. When I leave a place where I've made a fool of myself, I mutter.
I tag: No one.

Marching for Babies

Well, this year, on May 4th, we've decided to participate in the March of Dimes. The March has changed its name this year to the March for Babies. This is to underscore the group's mission. They vow, with our help, "to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality." The miles we'll be walking will be in the names of our children and yours. We'll be walking on Earth with our perfect, wonderful daughter, Eleanor, this year. And, surely, our sweet Sophie Salome will be with us in our hearts and in spirit, as she travels with us always. This will be a lovely day to remember her, and to walk in the beauty outdoors. Sophie taught our little family a lesson to love each other fully and that change in our lives is truly possible. We don't talk about her as often as we'd like for so many reasons , but we will spend these few miles remembering, celebrating, and making sure that fewer familes each year feel the unimaginable pain of losing a child.

We'll be walking at 9 AM, so if you feel up to it, go for a lovely walk that morning. Spend time with your children, and let them know how much you love them. :o)

These were once Piggy Tails.

(I do not really have sideburns.)

Don't kill me in 15 years.

But this kind of joy must be captured for posterity. PS. Take back what you said about me having a "real neck."

The Yellow Sweater Series. Part Two: Spring Day.

She's seriously not a fan of dirt.

The Yellow Sweater Series. Part One: Pots & Pans and A Brand New Sippy.