Thursday, March 29, 2007

My internet was down...but, we are back up.

Well, we finally coerced Dr. EK to give us our 4-D ultrasound. He took forever to get a good shot; she is facing a crazy direction, and seems to have a penchant for her own feet. So, apologies for the lack of posts - more to come. But, hopefully, I can appease you with a photo of Baby-Burgeoning-Lavender-Sea-Turtle-Music, however blurry.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Good friend. Safe Place.

A friend-of-a-friend sent me a message, asking if the baby "had been kicking, letting me know she wanted out". This, of course, set off a chain reaction of thoughts in my impulsive brain. (ex. Baby-kicking-getting-out-womb-induction-now-asap.) And, I suddenly had a realization. And, I made the decision to start thinking of my womb as a safe place again. For too long - this entire pregnancy - I have been so afraid...

Another real friend, one of my best friends, sent me a long message the other day, concerned for me, wanting to make sure I could put blaming my self, my body, for Sophie's loss aside. And, at first, I felt upset and shocked (and I admit now, defensive), sure that this is exactly how I should be feeling. To a certain extent, I was right. I should be vigilant, cautious, even anxious. But, as this same friend has been telling me throughout my pregnancy, I should be absorbing every moment. And, how can I do that as long as I am writing blogs about, and even sometimes believing, that my womb must surely be a danger zone. Our new beautiful baby has a special bond with her sister right now, that she won't have when June comes. They share a literal dwelling place. They have that thing in common that no one else has ever had. And, wouldn't it be nicer to think that they have both been in the place where they have known they are loved, warm and wanted?

I don't know how to do it, yet. Maybe meditation, visualization, but probably just more quiet moments when I put away fear and let myself feel my girls' presences. Maybe let myself enjoy life a little more as I prepare for this baby. This won't take away the sadness, but it surely would be nice to come to love Sophie, and perfect Bayby sister, with a lighter heart.

Thank you, good friend. You are right. We all have to learn to live with pain. It just so happens this is mine, but it is not perfect new Bayby lavender-sea-turtle-music's.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Mid-March, in more ways than one.

I want this musical, wonderful girl more than anything in the world right now. I will start with that. And yet, sometimes I feel that I just can't do this. I know I don't have a choice. I know I wouldn't want one. But, my heart is breaking with missing my Sophie. Some days I just feel so incomplete and inadequate, I don't even imagine I can go on in creating some semblance of a family. Knowing this pain will never go away, and so glad it keeps Sophie in my heart. Wanting sweet Bayby girl. And, more than anything right now, my fear is overwhelming. I fear I will fail this baby. That, once again, a perfect little girl will die inside me. I fear that I will fail my husband. That I will break his heart again. That I will hear him cry out with raw literal anguish when they tell us that, again, she is gone. I am flawed. I am lonely. I am jealous. I am terrified. I am hopeful. I am going on, day by day, as if in a fog of these emotions. I go on as if I am normal. I go on in my life as if my heart hasn't been torn from my chest. I am not normal. Damn it, I can't feign normalcy. I am not like you. No, this is not my first. No, I don't have any children at home. No, I am not enjoying pregnancy. No, you can't touch my stomach. No, I am not decorating the nursery yet. No, I don't want a baby shower. No, you can't imagine how I feel. No, I am not having a good day. No, I don't want to go out for coffee. No, I don't want to come over for dinner. No, there is nothing you can do. No, I don't want to talk about it. Somedays, I just can't do this.

Why is this so freaking hard?

A new and deepened anxiety has descended over the last few days. Exacerbating that, I woke up this morning to a strange and resounding quiet in the baby cave. Normally, I get four or five strong kicks, then I allow myself to get up and running for the day. Today? Nothing. Then, after a few minutes, one weak little movement. (What now, I suppose was Bayby's groggy responding to my goading.) Eventually, I had to get up, shower, dress, etc. After the shower, I planned to call the doctor, began preparing myself for the worst. Growing more and more frantic, Bill's optimism waning right along with my waxing anxiety, I lay down on the bed. I would wait - for a few moments, then rush myself to Holy Cross, I was sure. Luckily, at that point, Bayby decided to wake up, and has hence taken to pounding, snare-drum-style on my cervix...but not before a near-complete breakdown.

After movement began again, we allowed ourselves to cry out with grief and anxiety.

Why is this so freaking hard?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Stuff.

Well, I have been pretty scarce lately in appearances, phone conversations and meaningful posts. It has been an incredibly busy few weeks. And, as this baby gets bigger, I get more and more tired. I am trying to control my weight gain, but all I want to do when I get home is eat until I pass out. (Not a great plan, I know.) So, lately I have really been sleeping a lot (probably too much), and definitely eating for two - nevermind that one of us is estimated at (a whopping) 1.5 lbs. So, if you wonder what I've been up to, picture a big pile of pancakes, a mound of stomach, TLC and my couch.

All that being said, some news in Bayby's life - she loves music. We have known this for a while, but it is official. Bill and I decided we were ready to have him play guitar for her last night. She loved it tremendously and danced all night. :o)

Monday, March 05, 2007

Happy Six Months of Life, Small One!

So, yesterday, Small Bayby Girl was six months alive and well in the womb. Yay for her! Keeping swimming in there, and we'll just keep hoping, celebrating and nail-biting out here until your arrival :o)

I've got luck...

I have tons of luck. More luck than most people can handle in one lifetime. But, the problem with that? Luck comes in two very distinct varieties. There is the elusive and ever-pleasant "good luck", which we all hope will grace us with its presence every so often. And, then there is her evil and infamous twin, "bad luck". Here are some scattered examples:

Win computer (good)
Get pregnant (good)
Death of child (very bad, maybe beyond bad)
Plan beautiful wedding (good)
Rains (bad)
Stops raining (good)
Win printer (good)
Get sued for bogus accident (bad)
Get pregnant again on first try (very good)
Win raffle worth close to $200 (good)
Have purse stolen from car in driveway (bad)

Hmm, yes that is right. My purse was stolen from my car, parked in my driveway, this past weekend. That is a bold and infuriating move...

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Wow...

Six months seems pretty good. June seems pretty far away, but six months sounds better than five.

Screw you, Purse Stealer.

I hope my purse is perfect for you.
I hope it made your year.
I hope my gift cards all are useful for you.
I hope my SSN is clear.
I hope the leather of the perfect purse,
is something you adore.
I hope the orange and red tones of it,
were what you were looking for.
I hope my baby's pictures,
are hanging on your fridge.
I hope my smiling brand new driver's license
pained you not a smidge.
I hope you bought some crack
with the cash in my favorite billfold.
I hope you look with guilty eyes
on the coach beauty your grubby hands hold.

(Oh, and PS. I am seriously considering taking my discarded lovenox syringes and filling a decoy purse with exposed needles. I wish I WOULD catch someone trying to steal from me again. Especially, the delight in their eyes as they see the idiot at 1902 has left another purse in her car. Then, I want to witness the moment that delight turns to horror, as they shove their greedy hand into a pit of used needles.)

(PPSS. That would actually be crazy; I would never do that.)