Good friend. Safe Place.

A friend-of-a-friend sent me a message, asking if the baby "had been kicking, letting me know she wanted out". This, of course, set off a chain reaction of thoughts in my impulsive brain. (ex. Baby-kicking-getting-out-womb-induction-now-asap.) And, I suddenly had a realization. And, I made the decision to start thinking of my womb as a safe place again. For too long - this entire pregnancy - I have been so afraid...

Another real friend, one of my best friends, sent me a long message the other day, concerned for me, wanting to make sure I could put blaming my self, my body, for Sophie's loss aside. And, at first, I felt upset and shocked (and I admit now, defensive), sure that this is exactly how I should be feeling. To a certain extent, I was right. I should be vigilant, cautious, even anxious. But, as this same friend has been telling me throughout my pregnancy, I should be absorbing every moment. And, how can I do that as long as I am writing blogs about, and even sometimes believing, that my womb must surely be a danger zone. Our new beautiful baby has a special bond with her sister right now, that she won't have when June comes. They share a literal dwelling place. They have that thing in common that no one else has ever had. And, wouldn't it be nicer to think that they have both been in the place where they have known they are loved, warm and wanted?

I don't know how to do it, yet. Maybe meditation, visualization, but probably just more quiet moments when I put away fear and let myself feel my girls' presences. Maybe let myself enjoy life a little more as I prepare for this baby. This won't take away the sadness, but it surely would be nice to come to love Sophie, and perfect Bayby sister, with a lighter heart.

Thank you, good friend. You are right. We all have to learn to live with pain. It just so happens this is mine, but it is not perfect new Bayby lavender-sea-turtle-music's.