Saturday, June 30, 2007

Post-Partumotional

Last time I was post-partum, I was bereaved. The emotionally-charged hormone surge sweeping my body was definitely unnoticeable. And now, I am on an emotional high, so the emotions are pretty well masked again. But, the feelings do have their moments in the limelight. They come out to play their viperous games at the most inopportune moments, mostly when the topic of breastfeeding emerges, or when I see an ant. Or when I breathe. Or drink water. Or look at my pets. So completely unpredictable are these epiphanies of sadness, frustration and anger, one would be wise to undertake a constant mission to appease me. Bill, while an absolutely wonderful husband, is never one to cater to my inane mood swings. And, often this serves both of us well, forcing me to use a bit of self-control, and not allowing him to lose himself in my craziness. However, in these post-partum moments, there is a voice inside that wakes each time Bill (or anyone) tries to deal with me using logic, reason, or even kind reassurance. The voice is similar to that of a motion picture villain, and cries out, "Bow down to me, mortal man! Your words are useless here." Okay, so no one else hears the voice. Well, there is not an actual voice. But, the feelings are quite real. When my mood has ominously shifted to this seemingly uncontrollable post-partum rage, I advise now that anyone reading simply comply.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Liquid Gold (LG)

Sorry for the lack of posts. This is the third I have written, and if it is deleted I am finished for good. Haha. Check the timestamp here. Remember when I said Eleanor was "a quiet baby - mostly a gurgler and sleeper". What I meant was that she was four days old. She is a total night owl now. As a morning person, this is not the easiest thing for me.

Another factor that keeps me up at night is the near constant whoosh-whoosh of the pump, milking me cow-style much of the day. I wish I could say breastfeeding was wonderful, and that it felt so very right. But, it's a fact that I've always hated my breasts - never trusted them. They are large (disproportionately so), and I have never been one for excess. I always consoled myself with thoughts of them as womanly, and good for their intended purpose of nurturing young. That, unfortunately has turned out not to be the case. The reality is that I have been trying fruitlessly since day one. With severely inverted nipples (frustrating for Eleanor) and a sh*t milk-supply (frustrating for me), I am stuck pumping and bottling "liquid gold"(LG) to give to her. (Is it silly to use your flanges to scrape the leaked drops of LG off of your stomach(s)? Kidding, sort of.) I really just didn't realize how prominently my breasts would feature in the mothering process. I didn't realize I'd be dragging my new large body shirtless around the house, deeming it futile to actually wear a shirt for the twenty usable minutes between feedings. Thank goodness for visitors, because they force me to get dressed.

But, no one wants to hear from me - you want pictures of the sweetest girl. So sorry that you'll have to wait...My camera ran out of batteries today - pictures to come...

When Bill beseeched me to write a blog, I guess he *didn't mean necessarily one about my chest. Oh well.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Our Girls.

A spirit of life and grace has come to rest here, and for that, I am made of joy. Each of these special days that has gone past, since the ones with our Sophie, has been wrenching and full of emotion. Today, tears well up in my eyes, as I write this. Profoundly bittersweet are these times, as we stare in wonder at our Eleanor, kiss her warm soft face, hear her sweet sounds, and snuggle her against ourselves - loving her in her smallness. The moments we spend as a family, touching hands and feet, rise up in my chest, and bring a smile to my tear-stained face. It is in these days with Eleanor that I am finally finding Sophie's place in our family. The aura of love, contentedness, and infinite possibility are things with which I credit her. I love her for the family she watches and the protection and providence she brings. Each day of my pregnancy, I thanked Sophie in prayer for watching our family, and giving us another day with sweet Eleanor, and that won't stop any time soon. Our family portraits may not include her, our holiday cards may not bear her name, and she may not hold her baby sister in this life, but our hearts forever carry her soft spirit. She is so elemental in our existence, and so very much here in the sunshine that fills our hearts and home. The sweet beautiful music that is Eleanor, and her Sister of the Sky.


And, from that moment,
the Princess of the Sky began planning.
With the first joy she’d felt in weeks,
she thought of all the most wonderful things
she had known while living in the clouds…

And, these things, she went to collect.

She bottled dragon’s fire,
and picked sweet berries.
She gathered night’s bright stars,
and shook gold dust from fairies.
She caught sweet rain in buckets,
and plucked the leaves from one rose.
She begged hues from one painter,
and preserved flakes of cloud-snows.
She found spices of the ages,
and a lock of hair like the night,
She pinched her skin of the morning,
and flashed her eyes of daylight.
She jarred the warm wind that flew,
and played sweet songs of her years.
She gave the silver from her wings,
and last, splashed blue from her tears.

And, finally, she assembled
this jumble of her favorite heaven-things.
With them, in a sack made of pure warm hope,
she floated, lightly, down to earth.
As she entered the earth kingdom’s blue sadness,
the contents of the bag softened,
and began to murmur and move gently.
The Sky Princess cradled the sack
with a tenderness even she had never known
as she saw the King and Queen,
once again holding each other in the garden.
And, for the first time, she felt sadness and love
mix beautifully together, as she ran her small hands
across the bag’s warm, whispering surface.

And suddenly, her wings fluttered,
and she felt herself,
transformed into spring’s first butterfly.
She was the color of ripe peaches,
and she kissed their faces just so –
her wings brushing gently on their cheeks.
She did not speak,
but the King and Queen heard
her silent song as she cried
and softly handed them the satchel
that held her tiny baby sister.

Joyful Father's Day.



Here we are. The first holiday celebrating families since the birth of our sweet Eleanor. The day has been uneventful so far, but since her birth and especially today, there is an air of peace and joy living in our house. Bill is an amazing father, as I've known all along. The way he holds his girls in his heart, and now in his strong hands, fills me with pride and love for him. Happy Father's Day, my love.

Do you think we take enough pictures?






A Point of Reference. Pardon my face.



Saturday, June 16, 2007

Photos!

Eleanor's first professional photo op.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Our Sweet Girl.


And, at home...






Our days so far...

...Have been wonderful. Being the mother to a here-on-earth baby is all I ever imagined it would be. I love her more than I thought humanly possible. Precisely as I had hoped I would. I am exhausted, but totally fulfilled. I know I have more to write, but here are some pictures...




Us, in the hospital...

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Eleanor Angelina Bayly


Our sweet girl is here! She strawberry-banana-milkshook her way into the world June 7, 2007 - all after a labor/delivery very much befitting the roller coaster ride of the pregnancy itself. With our perfect little lady, entering the world at 6 lbs 2 oz, and 19.5 in, we couldn't be happier! She is a quiet baby, mostly a gurlger and sleeper. And, I think she may have the sweetest heart in existence...So many pictures to come. And, hopefully, a birth story! But, for now, rest, reacclimation, and sighs of sheer joy.
(Thank you to Mary for the update. :o)

Thursday, June 07, 2007

ELEANOR IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Eleanor Bayly got here safe, sound, screaming and pink this morning at about 5:10am!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom and Baby are doing well!!!!



(posted by Mary)

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Itinerary.

Wednesday - appointment at OB for NST.
Thursday - appointment at high risk for BPP.
Friday - appointment at OB for NST.
Saturday - Strawberry Festival and a wedding.
Sunday - open. (last lovenox.)
Monday - high risk for BPP, then OB for exam.
Tuesday - check into the hospital for cervadil.
Wednesday - Induction (or C-section).

Legend, for anyone not versed in the science of high risk, post-loss pregnancy:
NST - Acronym for NonStressTest. (Translation: lie. Stressful beyong belief.)
BPP - BioPhysicalProfile.
Lovenox - Anticoagulant (AKA, pre-filled daily syringes of intestinal mucus from pigs)

8 days.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Success!

Well, my good support group friend had her baby! A healthy baby boy (yet to be named, thus far).

10 days.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Or...

...Maybe my immense fat has begun to seep into my brain, halting the poeticizing process in its tracks.

11 days.