October 31st, 2008

Dear Sophie Salome,

It has been three years since the day you were born, after nine months of loving you and waiting for you. Nine months is a long time, but it has so far been three years too short. In many ways, it has been a wonderful three years. You have a sister now, and we are praying for another one in a few months. Your little sister, Eleanor, is a smiling little punkstress. She is a tiny one, with shiny blue eyes, clear ideas of what she wants, and a very big laugh. She would do her best to drive you crazy, I am sure, but I promise you'd love her. Your newest sister, who we call Baby J but of course you know her name, is seven months in mommy's tummy so far. I can't wait to meet her out here and get to know her. Daddy is as wonderful as ever, better even. If you could see him loving on and wrestling with Eleanor, you would be so proud. Mommy is happy, directionless and awkward as always, but, aside from missing you, my life is full of joy.

Again, I miss you. Sometimes, it hurts so badly that I feel like I'm crushing in on myself, but missing you is a good reason to be this sad. I know that, so I don't get sad about silly things anymore. Nothing breaks me all the way down, and even the missing you is bittersweet. In the three years since we held you, mommy has changed a lot. And, that is really the point of this letter. I am sure you remember that mommy used to "sweat the small stuff." A lot. And, still, I can't help that I am wound up. But, I am different now. So much of my anxiety was based on "if," "when," and "but." I had this inane idea that, until my life was "perfect," I could not be happy. And, I also had an unattainable notion of perfection that kept changing and growing further away. "When Bill and I get married, my life can be perfect." "When I have money in savings, life can be perfect." "When I go to graduate school, life can be perfect." "When we buy a big house, life can be perfect." "When Sophie is born, life can be perfect." I believed perfection was something I should have had, and I was indignant that, at 22, I didn't have it yet. This was a great flaw in me, as the chase meant my real life went by without meaning.

But, when mommy heard the horrible and shocking words that you had left me, I knew the real meaning of grief. And, I grieved heavily, not only the loss of you and the sweet I know in my heart that you are, but the loss of my chance at perfection. I knew that day, three years ago, that my life would never be "perfect." And, in many ways that has come to be true. Losing you meant that I lost a piece of me, and that that part of my heart would always be broken. A real, live broken heart.

But, after searching long and hard, sweet girl, here is the lesson. Perfect is not about personal statistics, or a flawless time here, or a life without pain, or even being happy every moment. Perfect is about real memories. Perfect is about loving with every space in your heart. Perfect is about being emptied out, and still reaching for some little last bit of yourself that you know must be in there. Perfect is when, by your sheer will to live, every day (even the hard ones that break you into one million pieces) can become the best day of your life. Perfect doesn't adjust to accommodate what you don't have, it is just the opposite. It has taken me these three years and nine months to realize that perfect is comprised of all that you do have.

And, that is my life every day. Every day is full of laughing and crying and being so happy to be alive. You taught me that lesson. You taught me to be happy. Without you, I would have gone on wanting too much and never being satisfied. With you in my life, perfection is a whole different animal. It's taken these years, but I've learned that my perfect includes an angel baby. Sure, I wish every day you were here, and I like to think that I would be happier if you were hugging me and kissing me the way your sister does. (And, certainly, I'd rather be a cantankerous person, and have you around.) But, that life is not for me to know. What I know for sure is that I love you. And, that your short time with me taught me a lesson that changed me and made me a far better person, wife, and mother. I love you. My life is so full, perfect, and happy because of you and your sisters. I never thought I would be happy. It takes some work, but I am. I never thought I would feel full. But I do. I never thought perfect would actually happen to me. But, because of you and learning what it means to be your mommy and living for you memory, it does every day.

Thank you for being my daughter, my sounding board, my fleeting moment, an angel sister, and the perfect memory that changed this one measly life. I miss you. I love you. Happy birthday.

Love,
Mommy (and the tuffies)

Best Day Ever.

Yesterday, we had a totally wonderful day. For over a month, I was planning a little party for a bunch of our kid friends. The party had a Fall theme, and I'd set up three or four mini crafty centers. Now, only one of the crafts came to fruition (cookie decorating!), but everyone seemed to have a great time. I did most of the prepping for the kids, but Bill planned the adult party, which consisted mainly of strong coffee. (We went through four eight-cup pots! But, admittedly, Bill probably drank one of the those himself.)

The party was a way for us to celebrate Fall, and remember that our Sophie is so with us in spirit always. We are so lucky to have her energy all around our house, and we wanted to remember how blessed we are in that way and why this season is so special. So, we had about 15 kids over, fully costumed. I have not one regret about the day. I was apprehensive, I will admit, that people wouldn't have fun. I think they did. I was worried people would think I was whack for having what basically amounted to a totally unofficial birthday party for Sophie. It wasn't awkward at all. I was afraid it would come across like Eleanor's party. It definitely did not - she got to enjoy just playing, without having to be the guest of honor.

It was such a nice day, and gave me something to look forward to - all of you who came played such a huge role in making my season bright and wonderful. And, the fact that we had friends here from hours and hours, states and states away (Mary, Westbrook, and Llandis win the award for furthest distance traveled - thank you!), toting their tots, and even about to deliver their babies, made it quite a gathering! There is much less of that sting this season, thanks to you all (and ALL of your kids, who I totally delighted in)!

Thank you. I love you all.

Pictures to come. (My camera situation is really really bad. But, some friends with these massive telescope style cameras took what must be great pictures. So, combined with the pictures I actually got and those that maybe I'll be able to steal, you'll be seeing it!)

I'm fascinated...

...by something I read today. On a blog I check periodically, which I believe has quite a following, the author wrote a post about the "Right to Life" being the main issue guiding her decision this election. She claims that, while she equivocates and even disagrees with many of the platform policies of the Republican party, she believes that the question of abortion is the one that guides and is currently the most pressing for our country. I simply don't understand how this can be so.

First, as for my standpoint. Without getting too personal, or too political, I am for my own reasons and in my own life fairly conservative on this issue. That is to say, I am pro-choice, but my choice is life. The author of the blog I am writing about invokes Dr. Seuss (she acknowledges that he has denied vehemently any intention of this being pro-anything) when he writes "A person's a person, no matter how small." She uses this as a catch phrase, basically summing up the conception argument for pro-lifers. And, in a personal way, I very much agree. Given my own experience, I do not believe that a baby becomes a baby just because someone wants it. I like to think that life is life. But, to paraphrase my husband, for myself, abortion has never been an option and let's say I believe it to be "wrong," but it simply isn't up to me to impose my own morality on a nation of people making decisions for myriad reasons.

Here is where the lines become blurry. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the reason this is an issue right now is because some pro-lifers believe that a potential McCain-Palin administration would challenge and (hopefully to their minds) defeat Roe v. Wade. (I am hoping it is not because of the essentially terrorist allegations that Barack Obama somehow wants to mandate abortions and hurt babies nation wide.) To quote Obama, abortion is a "profoundly difficult" issue and any woman facing that decision is facing "anguish." This doesn't sound like a great option for anyone then, right? But, life is complicated, and it doesn't ever seem to be my right to decide for someone a "profoundly difficult" issue. (Certainly for me, in the more critical and unthinkable situations, where someone is forced to make a choice that we should respect for its sheer magnitude, regardless of the outcome, in my opinion. I.E. Rape, incest, suffering, death.) Ought we not leave it up to people's own moralities to make those decisions in any case?

So, the issue that I really WOULD like people to respond to, should they feel up to it: I suppose my philosophy makes me pro-choice, despite my clear personal choices leaning to the side of pro-life. But, I don't think that makes me unique. (It probably puts me in line with many pro-choicers.) What I honestly want to understand is why some in the pro-life contingent feel it is necessary to challenge the law that gives any woman in any situation (however grave) the right to make that decision for herself? Why isn't it enough to make decisions for our own moralities? Even if one would like to evangelize, making statements about the supposed immorality of abortion, why is that not enough? Aren't there some situations, even be they one or two if you are stringently pro-life, that make you think that maybe Roe v. Wade is in place for a reason OR is the issue so poignant to some pro-lifers to make it THE issue whenever the two options are presented as part of greater packages?

I think people reading here might have something to say about this. If not, I'll take it down soon. Because I don't need to politicize all over the place.

Pumpkin Patching with the Criss Kids!

Eleanor thought it was a great idea to kiss Juliet's stomach.
Then she got down to business playing with Lila.
Then she sat in a giant whale mouth.
Then she oddly mounted "Jill" of "Jack and Jill."
She thought Jill was silly.

She "shared" an inane pumpkin stem.
Stared into space.
She and Daddy looked at a pumpkin very seriously.
Then at corn.
Then in terror at another pumpkin.

The hayride was a little too early for Juliet's camera face...
But not for Connor's...
Or Jonas'...

Or Un-baby Lila Blue's!
And it's never too early for pigs and pig tails. :o)

Cunningham Falls and Catoctin Mountain State Parks

Sorry, Eleanor.

"Camping."

Today.

Today is National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. Thanks for remembering all our sweet babes.

We love Aunt Maura because...

...she has great hair.
...gets the cutest clothes.
...hung out with Miss E so we could go to a wedding.
...dresses E like Tinkerbell.
...takes pictures (Hallelujah!)

Thank you!