October.

October is shaping up to be a very busy month. Most of the things we've done and plan on doing are exciting! Last weekend, my mom married her long term partner, Dean. It was an extremely small and beautiful ceremony. Next weekend, we are going to a friend's wedding (and are super excited for the night out!). The next week, we may be going away for a few days on a short camping trip at Swallow Falls in Cumberland. That weekend is Sweetest Lila Blue's first birthday! (As hard to believe as that is!) The next weekend is a small, kid-centered Fall party we are planning to commemorate Sophie's third birthday. Then, her actual birthday, that falls on Halloween day.


Then, of course, there is daily life (raising my Eleanor, watching my nephews, grad school applications, wifing it, being six months pregnant, following the news, etc.). I think, with all that's going on, I am riding on adrenaline and busy-ness. But, as I've said to some friends, all the activity leaves me very little alone time. And, during that time, I am finding myself pretty exhausted and emotionally drained. This month, as it has been for three years, is a hard one on my heart. I am not elated, as I was in 2005. I am not broken, as I was in 2006. I am not torn, as I was in 2007. I am busy and grappling for time to feel. I feel severe ups and downs. Luckily, the ups definitely outweigh the downs. But, when they come, they come on strong.

I am missing my Sophie in a new way this year. As I mentioned above, we are having a little gathering for all the kids we love. I am actually really excited, and it is a wonderful, peaceful feeling. And, this is the first year since Sophie's birth that I am looking forward to what Fall has to offer. The scenery holds a special meaning for me. I see her in the foliage, and I remember her in the crisp air. The smells remind me. And, the anticipation is genuine.

So, anyway, as jumbled as this is, and as I mentioned above, I am wavering between excitement and agony.

I am excited for the leaves to fall all around me.
To decorate pumpkins with Eleanor.
To celebrate with the kids we love.
To watch Eleanor laugh and tumble around while we rake leaves.
To bake cookies.
To let the cold take over the warm.
To carry our newest baby girl inside, in the place my Sophie was warm and snuggled.
To pumpkin patch.
To spend time every day outside in the cool wind.
To remember the anticipation.
To go with my little family to Sophie's leafstrewn grave and deliver treats I know she would love.

I am even excited for the heartbreak. I am letting myself enjoy this Fall - I can't help it, with the joy all around me. But, I know how I will feel when the 31st and November roll around. I know how badly it will hurt. And, as I've said, I believe that is the heart's way of remembering. And, a few days of that pain are not something to fear. I know that now. The pain is real, it is genuine. It aches, but it makes me feel alive. It makes me remember. And, in a life like mine that is filled with such blessings and so much laughter, I need to feel that memory and the hurt that comes along with it. It is ok to miss her. It is good to miss her.

I can officially say, I am no longer consumed with grief, no longer frantic in its grasp. That is wonderful to admit, finally. Even as I am crying, writing this completely jumbled mess, I am not at the mercy of the pain. I have a sweet, few memories, but far fewer regrets. I love that baby girl. I loved her just right. I loved her every moment. She would be proud of me, as ridiculous as that might seem. I did everything right. I know that now. I carried her for 39 weeks, and I loved every single minute of it. She knew me, and I knew her. She was beautiful and I made her. I loved and love her with my whole heart. The way I love my Eleanor and my newest, Baby J. I am doing this right, even now. I have let go of the fears, the constant pain, the jealousy. All that is left is the throb of missing and loving her. Just like breathing or heart beating. She is constant. She is with me. I go through the days with her at my side, in my heart, floating above me. Always, but especially in the fall, I feel her all around me. But, I am ok with hurt and longing. But, even as the pains ebb and flow this month and all year, finally I can say in print, right here, I am happy.