Fresh Out of Poetry.

Well, it's official. I am empty of poetry. Maybe I've been too busy to feel. Maybe it's easier right now to put my emotions on the backburner - not to let them seep out in their usual ways. Maybe fear and excitement have taken over. But, either way, nothing poetic is coming out. Not even anything eloquent. Either way, I am okay with that.

Some people actually have babies at the point in pregnancy where I am. Some people actually just "go into labor". Hmm, foreign concept, I know. But, it does happen.

So, 13 days until baby, unless my "water breaks". Haha, yeah right.

13 or 14.

Well, yesterday I found out that my pregnancy-fantasy will come true in 13 days. We will be admitted to the hospital, and monitored throughout the night. Awesome.



And, in 14 days, my life-fantasy...



Two more OB appointments.

Two more NonStressTests.

Two more BioPhysicalProfiles.

Seven more days of school.

13 more shots of lovenox.

Two more days of aftercare.

One more class with my eighth graders.

One more faculty meeting.



We are down to a couple of "one[s]".



Please pray for my support group friend and her family. She is being induced on Friday. I am praying for the safe arrival of her baby boy.

20 days.

20 days. Less than three weeks. Two more "trash pick-up days". As of a week from today, it will be less than two weeks. Then, I will be able to say one week and six days. 10 more days of school, plus three weekends, plus two close-out days at the school. Nine more doctor's appoinments. Two more lawn-mows (by Bill). Zero more episodes of Lost, and the Office. Three more episodes of Rob&Big. One more scheduled dinner with my dad. Six more big breakfasts. 20 more gallons of water.

Still feels like an interminable number of days. But, it is *not infinity - it is somehow countable.

Remember when I posted about 40 days? Well, half that time has passed - and it feels like I wrote that yesterday. Half of 20 is 10. Half of 10 is five. Half of 5 is 2.5...Well, I guess, if I keep cutting it in half, it literally IS infinity. So, let's just say June 13th will come, whatever that means.

Still here.

Okay, so I know it has been a while. I am just trying to make it to June 13th, and each day that goes by is just one closer. So, it is hard to find things to write about in the whirlwind of just trying to survive. But, here is everything I have going on.

1) I officially gave notice that I am not coming back to work in August.
2) Bill (aka Ethan the Till-Master) and I planted a tomato garden.
3) I have exploded into utter hugeness, almost reaching my total Sophie-weight (39 weeks) at only 34.5 weeks.
4) I have become a miserable crab-apple of a hermit.
5) That's all I've got.

23 days until BBLSTM. That is 552 hours. That is 33,120 minutes. (Hmm, this is making me feel worse, rather than better). 23 days - we'll stick with that.

Dust on her hands.

The lifespan of butterflies -
lamentably brief.
Her wings, laid to rest -
Nature's heart breaks with grief.
Her heart ceased to beat -
another proves torn.
The crimson flight dust -
washed clean by the storm.
The sight of arms, legs and wings -
soft and finally fold.
She rests gently in hands -
she, heavy hearts hold.

(dedicated to Christine, who lost her baby on May 10, 2007
- and to all mothers.)

I lied on Valentine's Day this year...

I was so wrong. I actually thought I was big. I claimed I was uncomfortable. I actually said that I was having difficulty standing up from sitting. I asserted that I was having a hard time with daily tasks. I admit myself a liar.

Now, 39 days from Bayby, I see the fool I was three months ago. I was, I assure you, NOT this uncomfortable last time. This may be the only time you hear me complain about the physical realities of this pregnancy. I promised I wouldn't. I am so lucky to have this little girl, and this chance to be her mommy. (See: lucky, happy, grateful athsmatic beached whale.)

The Most Famous 40 Days.

So, it is 41 days until BBLSTM's arrival. And, tomorrow, it will be 40 days. It is rumored that Jesus actually roamed a scorched, parched desert for 40 days, fasting in solitude. 40 days. I mean, I am just saying. It's do-able.

Answers.

Dr. SnarlyPrick (known as Maghak) is an idiot. I am not to see him anymore, says my OB. (I am only to see Dr. Soft Hands (known as EK).) Maghak apparently scanned my chart and made an assumption that I must have had a placential abruption. This assertion was denied by my OB, who showed me my records (boasting a healthy placenta). So, no abruption. That, of course, does not rule it out this time, but was not a surprise new cause of Sophie's loss. And, I don't have an increased risk of an (in our case, fatal) abruption this time. That is something to be thankful for (because it takes a bit off my plate heaped with worry).

AND, it looks like no later than six weeks from TODAY, BaybyBLSTM will (hopefully) make her appearance!

So, as bad as the last few days have been, yesterday evening and this morning have been good.

Last, but absolutely not least, thank you. I feel like so many of you in the "web" of support have come out to let us know about your prayers for Bayby, and shown such genuine concern for her well-being. Emails, comments, phone calls - the works. Thank you.

Questions for my doctor today.

Why haven't I, until yesterday, heard the term "placental abruption" used in relation to me?

Did I, in fact, hemorrhage last time? (Maghak said that, when pathology was done, it stated that I had, in fact, hemorrhaged, which he equated with P.A.)

Why have I gone through this pregnancy under the impression it was no more likely to happen again? (When I have now read it is up to a 10% chance.)

Is the monitoring we are doing likely to help if it *does* happen again?

If so, should I be doing more?

How much should I be limiting physical activity? Should I be on bed rest?

Are there any symptoms I can be looking for? (I have read that, for the most part, P.A. is asymptomatic.)

Is a Cesarean better? Should I be considering that?

Lovenox - helping or hurting?

If Maghak was wrong, I need clarification as to why he thinks this? Why he said it?

If not P.A., but only Maternal Fetal Transfusion occured, then should we be checking the blood flow?

What are the real chances that M.F.T. could happen again?

How soon can we do this? 13th? 16th? Sooner with an amnio?