I need something.

If I'm going to keep this up, I need to challenge myself.  The fact is, when I started this blog, I had deep raw feelings, momentum, a lot at stake.  Now, I know blogging is still "in" and awesome, but I sometimes feel like my stop on this train may have passed miles back. 

This leads to more interesting and important (read: narcissistic) questions I've been asking myself.  And mostly they revolve around my laxness with my creative endeavors.  I feel like I'm losing something of myself in this busy life.  At the end of the day, I lay on the couch and watch tv or troll the internet.  The parts of me that are literary are buried in there somewhere - but they are buried deep.  Lately beneath a lot of worry.  A lot of missing Sophie.  A lot of being overwhelmed by the mundane.  A lot of not feeling in touch with the big, broad world.  A lot of not "talking" about how I feel.  I haven't written a poem in months.  Months.  I haven't read a book in a full month.  A month.  I have spent this month missing Sophie.  Imagining my world without the hurt of losing her.  I've been relishing in Eleanor and Josephine certainly (even when they've driven me all the way to Crazy Town, where they are also honorable co-mayors).  But when naptime (ha) comes up, I lay catatonic.  My heart aches for something, but I choke it down and whitewash over it.  And, in time, that whitewash is becoming what I am.  The layers are thickening.  At times, so thick it is hard to breathe. 

So, anyway, a challenge is what I need.  I will be coming up with one.  Maybe the old blog needs a new face.  A new angle.  Or an old angle revisited.  I don't know.  I don't need people to read - goodness knows I haven't been doing my part lately.  But I need to write.  I need to get that piece of myself back.  So, I will go to bed inspired tonight, and wake up with brain astormin'.  Creative juices apumpin'.  (?)

I hope.