I've been struggling so deeply (surely more than necessary) with nursing vs. pumping for my sweet Mouse. I won't go into how difficult it has been attempting to nurse efficiently, because I think we've discussed ad nauseum the host of problems that make it time-consuming and painful. (And, it does make me feel better that Bill has seen how hard I've worked and the tears I've cried. He says he is certain I couldn't be trying harder.) But, then there is the psychological hurdle that I may end up finding insurmountable - I know there is an alternative.
We all know breast milk is superior nutrition for babies. And, I am completely committed to giving Josephine my own milk. No matter what the outcome of my turmoil, I consider myself so lucky that that process is going so extremely well and that Josephine is entirely breastfed. But, I guess I have to admit, I've bought the hype. For every person who tells me I am a "good mom," regardless of my decisions, I feel the presence of 10 more who would look at me like an abusive parent for nourishing Josephine from a bottle. And, in my heart, I know that every mom that I respect makes the best decisions for her family. For some, that is exclusive breastfeeding, some formula feeding, some pumping, and some all three. I respect moms who are caring, involved, and - most importantly - loving. And, exclusive pumping certainly requires all of those characteristics.
But, I also know that, even though I feel that way, I have a lot of self-doubt. Especially about the way I feed my baby. If you've ever given your baby a bottle in public, you may know how I feel. You feel like all eyes are on you - "that" mom forcing your baby to drink from something other than your own breast. Who knows who could be around judging and believing you a lesser mom. Maybe I am contriving this feeling, but I would guess I am not. And, I know I can not be the only one. (And, I don't doubt that nursing moms feel anxious about nursing in public - it can be terrifying I am sure.)
So, there are three feelings there. The first is self-loathing. I am a bad mom. I did not try hard enough. I am not good enough. You know you've felt it about something, be it feeding, behavior, reading, nap times, working out of the home, birth plans, or potty training.
The second is quiet acceptance. I am doing my very best. Every mom does what she believes is best for her family. We are all doing our best.
The third is silent indignation. I worked so hard for this. Every drop of this milk is hard won. There is no easy moment. Each bottle I give this little girl is bought with time, pain, and self-doubt. Sometimes, I want to emblazon my bottles with BREAST MILK ONLY. Or, I want someone to tell me I am a bad mom, so I can deliver an invective unmatched. I want to tear someone apart for thinking this isn't enough. And, while no one may say anything, I know some people judge, because I've judged.
It's easy to judge when you do something well. I am a good speller. It may take a little work and I may make mistakes, but inherently I am good. I judge bad spelling. That is something of which I should be embarrassed. It makes me a lesser person, far worse than someone who tries in vain to spell. I am not a good nurser. I try. We try. And, it falls apart every time. Typically, I don't do things I am not good at. Few things are worth it to me. But, this one is. That is why I nurse, I pump, I nurse, and I pump again. And, when I can't pump one more minute, I pump.
That is why I am taking this opportunity to learn and pass on two lessons.
One, it is mean spirited to judge other moms who are doing their very best. You simply can't look at a mother and baby and know the circumstances that dictate their every action. You can't know their lives or their bodies.
Two, as long as I am doing that very best, I take heart. I am a good mom. I do know my life, my body, and my heart, and I am a good mom who does her best.
(This does not mean you won't find me in the mother's room at Nordstrom sheepishly bottle feeding Josephine and alternating between wanting to cry and awkwardly discussing pumping just so people think that I am a "good mom." It is a cycle of judgment, and it stings, and it is hard to break.
Also, all this being said, I believe breastfeeding is nature's perfect and most beautiful way for a mother to feed her baby. And, while many of us try and fall short, there are great reasons to strive to get there.)
No comments:
Post a Comment