Well, I logged onto http://www.snugglepie.com/ to browse for tickers and counterboxes. And, I saw that I'd saved Sophie's counterbox. I knew this day was coming up. But, Sophie would be so very three right now.
I believed, until a few days ago and for reasons I may post about later, that my time for fantasizing about Sophie was over. But, now the daydreams are coming in much more interesting detail. I guess that never goes away.
It may be just a person's way of holding on to a life taken too soon. A life is thought to be made up of real world experiences, and when those experiences cease, it is as if we take on the job of creating a legacy. Some people who read this may be immediately able to think of a legacy they've created for loved ones whose lives should not have ended with their deaths. (I know that we walk in March of Dimes and have started our annual kids' Halloween party. My sweet friend, Mary, organizes a blood drive each year in Drew's name. I know there are countless more out there who celebrate with quiet smiles and respite, and sometimes just by treating ourselves and others well.)
In the best moments, we think "Sophie would have loved this - it has to be enough." Or, "Drew would be so proud - it has to be enough." Or your mother, or your sister, or your son, or your aunt, or your father. These legacies we leave in the names of our loves. But, sometimes a legacy just isn't enough. It is a token - it is something small that we create. And, it is beautiful. But, it is not enough.
I know my situation may be different. I know I have so few memories to work with. I have no memories of warm laughter, good food, kinds words, strong hugs. If I did, I know they would be some of the best moments of my life, as I am sure they are for you, good friends. I would replay them over and over in my mind. But, instead, I guess I make them up. I remember the things I can, but there is a gap the size of a lifetime I have to make up for. So, I fantasize and I create. I pick up where I left off. When the fantasies become incompatible with the life I have now, I leave them behind and begin elsewhere. The dreams come and they go, and more often than not I am content to set them down. And, then, for reasons I cannot understand, they return to me. Sophie returns for a few moments now and then. And, I savor those times when I can think about her. I am glad in my heart those times aren't gone for good.
(Mary, and Llewellyns, I hope you don't mind my including a bit of Drew's/your story here. Let me know if you'd like me to take this down. I would understand completely.)
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1 comment:
Your writing always touches something so deeply in me and I rarely feel like I have the words to respond. I wish I knew what to say other than Sophie is lucky to have a mama who loves her as much as you do.
As for yoru post below, I may copy and repost on my blog as well. I feel ya, sister.
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