It's kind of like breathing through a straw...

Whenever I get the urge to see what it's like to have terrible asthma, I try breathing solely through a straw. I am actually sure that an asthma attack is significantly worse than this, but I always think it might give me a little taste. Breathing as deeply as humanly possible, but never quite getting enough air. And, becoming more frantic with each gasp, and the mounting possibility that this could be your last one (if only mental, as obviously I have the opportunity to remove the straw should it become too intense).

This is sort of what being pregnant is like to me now. I wake up in the night, or am active for a few hours, or the bayby is simply sleeping, so I don't feel her move. Then, I immediately fall supine, and wait. Wait to breathe. Wait to scratch an itch. Wait to laugh. Wait to speak. All for fear of missing the life-breath of Bayby wiggling. I look at the clock. 6:15 PM. Then, I wait. I actually count kicks on my fingers, becoming increasingly frantic if the numbers haven't shot to ten almost instantly. Each time she shimmies, kicks or slides, I realize I've been holding my breath and heave for air, but with the immediate and chaotic knowledge that she must move again. That I must stop, wait, perfectly suspended, for the next nine little pulses. Then, when I've reached nine, I convince myself I've made the first five up, gasping between movements for minutes, sometimes tens of them, more. Each day, there are multiple periods of body-trembling, oxygen-less tension, as I wait to feel her next movement. Her movements are my air. In moments of stillness within, what I once took for granted (breathing, stretching, laughing, speaking), stops short, and I feel a bizarre blend of so statue-like, stock-still, and also rocketing and racing inside, fighting for air, willing her to move once more. I live kick by kick, and the hope that it's only three-and-a-half more months until lazy little girl is here...

PS - Thank God for Bill. Literally. He is the sweetest, most wonderful, caring, funny, interesting person I've ever known. That stupid laundry list of things doesn't even edge on describing him. There is just nothing like his heart.