I know so little, but love so much more.

When I was pregnant with Sophie, I knew her. From the day she was conceived, we knew. Literally. From the first positive pregnancy test, we began calling her "Sophie Salome". I have a note Bill wrote me from that day, in which he writes about our family - Mom, Dad, and Sophie Salome. And knowing her sex without doubt from the beginning was only a tiny thing. I knew her face. I knew her dark hair. I knew all things about her. I knew her as a woman. I knew her as a little girl. Her movements throughout our too short time felt so intrinsic to me. I anticipated her kicks and squirms. I felt her thoughts. Although her birth was never what I'd wanted or expected, she was no surprise to me. Her face, her lips, her hair, all were no surprise to me. I have only seen her once, and yet still to this day I know her.

This new bayby, I do not know. I have spoken to other mothers with multiple children, and they have confirmed that some children are a shock from day one. And, years later, they are still coming to know and understand (or coming to understand that they do not know) these children. I never know when this baby will kick. I never know what will excite its taste buds. I never know what positions in which it likes to lay. I have no idea what features to expect. I love this little person with my whole heart, and yet I know nothing. And, most pressing and strange to me right now, I have no idea what sex it is...I am 20 weeks now, and my "big" ultrasound is scheduled for T minus two days. Monday is the "big day". We've taken off work. We are ready to embrace whatever news we receive. Health is my big concern. And, I simply don't have a preference in terms of the baby's sex. But, more odd, I just have no inkling whatsoever. Some people feel sure one way or the other. At first, the overwhelming consensus was "boy". Now, even my staunchest boy-supporters are waivering. So, place your bets now, should you feel the desire, because your window for guesses is closing quickly. Hmm - so is mine...