Snow Angels.

I spent the 19 months between Sophie's day and Eleanor's birth grieving.  Every weekend, I was angry. I resented that I had to make plans with Bill, or with friends, or by myself.  I felt the unfair lack of Sophie on those Saturdays and Sundays. 

 And, then Eleanor was born.  She brought life and laughter back to my days.

Then, we would go to birthday parties.  And, Bill and I coddled and juggled Eleanor.  I felt the absence of our first child.  It never felt "easy" just having Eleanor, but it felt too weighty and too important, if that makes sense.  There was too much care to go around.  No child needs that much parenting at a birthday party.

And, then Josephine was born.  She brought a full family of smiles and hugs, and we all breathed a little easier.

But, today, I felt a loss that only time can change.  And I felt it for Eleanor.  Of course, she doesn't know the difference, so I guess it never really was for her.  But, I cried a bit as I watched her play alone in the snow for over an hour.  She is focused and went about making her snowmen and snow angels with intensity and diligence.  Just like she tackles everything she does.  I watched her talk to herself and all of her imaginary friends.  I watched her carefully use Lizzie (her left hand) and Brother Bear (her right hand) to wipe the snow from all the chairs and from the table.  She had a blast, but she did it alone. 

But, just like the loneliness above, this too shall pass.  Next year, Josephine will be two.  She will be old enough to turn loose on our giant deck.  To let roll in the snow.  And, to watch make snow angels through the glass doors. 

It will hurt less, and something else will hurt more. 

First days of school. 

Freeze tag. 

Ear piercing.  

Bike riding.

Tree climbing. 

First periods.

Junior Prom.

Each time Eleanor goes it alone, it will remind me that Sophie should be there to show her the ropes -- to guide her through her childhood journey. 

And, of course I will cry. 

And, each time, Eleanor will untangle those moments for herself; and she will show Josephine the secrets of being a kid. 

 And, of course I will smile.