So, I've pretty much decided to stop pumping. When I started, I never set an end date, but I definitely had a goal in mind: Store as much milk as possible. And, store I did - 1,100 ounces of milk. That means baby Jo will have my milk until she's one. If I quit, cold turkey, today. Which I do not plan on doing, for two reasons.
1) That would hurt. Until starting to cut back a few days ago, I was making 30 ounces a day. I do not want 30 + ounces building up anywhere in my body. Ever. That would just be excruciating. So, as of now, I am pumping for comfort about two times a day.
2) I feel horribly guilty. I know that Josephine has been exclusively breastfed. And I am really proud of that. And, I know she will be good to go until she's one. But, my reasons for stopping are selfish, however legit. I need that time for schoolwork and the girls. I am just so busy, and it puts a real kink in my stride when I have to sit down for 40 minutes at a time. (Yes, at this point it takes that long.) Pumping still hurts, and at its best is super-uncomfortable - nothing natural about it. I am emotionally and physically ready to be unstrapped. But, I do know that the frozen milk is just not quite as good. And I feel terrible about that - that is the definite downside. But, she's eating way more table food than she is drinking now anyway, and most importantly, I do want to use it. Why did I spend all that time squirreling away like a Depression survivor, if not to make use of my liquid gold?
But, do you know what I feel like, if I'm being honest? Like it will seem like I don't love my baby Josephine with my whole heart if I stop. Like I won't deserve to be her mom. There it is. Also, I worry that I will go into a deep sadness because I will feel like a bad mom, but my milk will be irrevocably gone. There. My neurosis laid out on the table. Anyway, so, emotionally as well, I am pumping for comfort.
Ugh, as you can see, I am mixed at best. This is one of my least elegant bits of nonsense. But, for my family, and my sanity, this may be the best thing.
Please, any comments or feedback would be appreciated, if you're someone who's interested in this topic...
Two side notes: 1) I ALWAYS have to look up the word "turkey." I always second guess whether it's actually spelled "turky." 2) Where on Earth is the spell check feature on the new blogger layout?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
It all makes perfect sense, really. Nathaniel is almost six, and I have yet to totally get over the guilt of not being able to breastfeed him. Even though you are a FANTASTIC mother, it will never seem like enough. I think that lasts forver, with everything. And really, I think that's part of what makes a great mother :)
There is nothing worse than the guilt from stopping pumping/nursing. I still think about it on a regular basis. Esp on days like today when Llandis is fussy- I wish I were still nursing so I could make her feel better. You are great. She will be fine. You done good.
i'm coming back at a later time when i don't have a baby in one arm so that i can use both hands to type what i'm thinking. because we both know that in my responses i can tend to get long winded and i just can't do all that with one hand. but, for now, you are awesome. never forget that. most mothers would've never pumped at all, probably myself incleded. hell, Jameson is only 7 weeks old and i've entertained the idea of switching to formula.
(and crap, even with just that it's long...)
Post a Comment