Mid-March, in more ways than one.

I want this musical, wonderful girl more than anything in the world right now. I will start with that. And yet, sometimes I feel that I just can't do this. I know I don't have a choice. I know I wouldn't want one. But, my heart is breaking with missing my Sophie. Some days I just feel so incomplete and inadequate, I don't even imagine I can go on in creating some semblance of a family. Knowing this pain will never go away, and so glad it keeps Sophie in my heart. Wanting sweet Bayby girl. And, more than anything right now, my fear is overwhelming. I fear I will fail this baby. That, once again, a perfect little girl will die inside me. I fear that I will fail my husband. That I will break his heart again. That I will hear him cry out with raw literal anguish when they tell us that, again, she is gone. I am flawed. I am lonely. I am jealous. I am terrified. I am hopeful. I am going on, day by day, as if in a fog of these emotions. I go on as if I am normal. I go on in my life as if my heart hasn't been torn from my chest. I am not normal. Damn it, I can't feign normalcy. I am not like you. No, this is not my first. No, I don't have any children at home. No, I am not enjoying pregnancy. No, you can't touch my stomach. No, I am not decorating the nursery yet. No, I don't want a baby shower. No, you can't imagine how I feel. No, I am not having a good day. No, I don't want to go out for coffee. No, I don't want to come over for dinner. No, there is nothing you can do. No, I don't want to talk about it. Somedays, I just can't do this.