I'm floundering.

I have been in such a weird place for the last few days. I am applying to graduate school. Why? Who knows. I procrastinated, and when I finally went to set up my retake of the GRE test, I was pretty much too late. I signed up anyway, and paid hundreds of dollars to take it. Then, I realized I've gone stupid and that retaking it would not be advantageous. So, I cancelled, hoping to get a refund. Not happening. So, I'm resending my old scores, which were average. But, average likely will not cut it, as I need an assistantship to go. As in, even if the school was paid for, I'd need money every month via some sort of job. That, with momming and school, would not be do-able. So, I am applying to go to graduate school, which I can't afford, when I am pregnant with a baby I haven't even met yet. That makes me feel like a shitty financial planner and mom. And, I am increasingly nervous about Baby J, and her well-being in there. And, so why am I making plans to leave her and my Eleanor (if I actually am accepted), when I still feel like it will be some act of mercy if she actually arrives? Because I have no idea what I am doing.