Fuck-a-Plan. Wait, no, don't.

That's right. I wrote "fuck". I titled this blog "fuck-a-plan". Since Sophie passed silent from my broken womb, people have been telling me things like "everything happens for a reason", and "it's part of [God's] plan". And, my response, up until last week: "Fuck-a-plan". I have never said these angry, and somehow fun to say, words to anyone's face. But, surely I have thought them. Anyone who has experienced a stillbirth, or maybe any loss, knows that people say things with the best of intentions, and almost always keeping in mind what will make you "feel better", however futile. But, not these people. These people do not care about easing my discomfort. They speak of plans, purposes, and reasons because they absolutely believe these things to be true, regardless of any impact on me. And up until last week, their words have always sparked feelings of anger in my heart and mind. I have always thought, "How can these people, who do not know my pain, look me in the face, and tell me that my baby died for a reason? Her death was part of some plan that no one knows?" Somehow indicating that her death was for the greater good, or even my personal good, was offensive and unbelievably hurtful. And, I wondered how they could say that without seeing that I would rather have my Sophie than any other wonderful thing that could happen, ever. Despite all of the truly amazing things that have happened in the last few months, I always felt angry with those people who spoke of plans, because how could the death of my baby be part of some fantastic plan for my own life. I have always known that these people were talking about my relationship with my soul mate, but still, I couldn't allow myself to see Sophie's death as a catalyst for that, as if somehow that meant I wasn't sad beyond belief. But, over the last week, I have realized on my own something very different. I can see now that there must have been a plan, and Sophie's life has and will always play an integral part in it. Sophie's life. Sophie's short life was an invaluable part of the delicate plan of Bill's and my life, relationship, past, present, family and future. It was not her death that fulfilled some need, not her loss that was part of the mystery and the providence. Her life is our eternal blessing. I will miss her every moment, but as grief's hold lightens on our hearts, our love is grander and more beautiful that ever before - and we owe that to our Sophie's life - short, soft and yet, somehow, infinite.