...listen to this song from my Sophie Salome playlist. I did today. And, I must have needed a good cry. Because I just let it go. I just let myself cry and miss. And, it still hurts so [expletive] bad. I can't explain it. It's like this futile silent scream that needs to come out. It's crying that won't change anything and it won't make it better and it won't go away. And, sometimes, in these moments, I wonder if it hurts more now. Out here, on this island of missing. In almost four years, friends have moved, gotten married, gotten divorced, had children. Family has morphed and grown. People stop wondering if I'm ok, and most days I am. Most people stop mentioning her entirely. I've snagged at moments to bring her up, but eventually I've loosened my grip on well-meaning loved ones and let the chances go by, even though they break my heart all over again. Even the imagining has drifted away, like so much sand in an hourglass. Like trying to find a memory. I have filled back up with light and life and laughter. Life simply does go on. You can dig your heels in, beg it to stop, wish for the time before you knew heartbreak. But, that's just not the way it works.
So, what would be better? Holding her. Never having felt this literal agony. Kissing her soft skin again. Dancing with her baby-ness. Singing to her. Watching her grow. Showing her to the people I love.
There are no memories I can create with her. So, I will create memories with Eleanor and Josephine. I will let them fill me up. I will try to be more patient. I will be kind to Bill. I will laugh easily. I will try to be wise and listen more. I will wait quietly. I will make beautiful memories and bring her along in my heart.
In fact, I did something a few weeks ago that was just that. I'll start four years ago. Just a few weeks before Sophie's due date, Tracy Chapman was coming to town. We decided not to buy tickets, thinking I might go into labor or have had sweet Soph and miss the concert. So, when she passed away, I regretted so deeply not having taken her to this concert. And, having felt her kicking away while listening to these songs. So, when Tracy came back around, Bill's sister Maura suggested we see her. (Maura, by far, is the most unabashed Sophie-lover I know. She makes my heart so happy with the little things she doesn't know I notice. But, Maura, I notice.) So, we loaded up the car (with me, Bill, Maura, and Tom) and took a roadtrip to see Tracy. This was the only song I needed to hear. The entire concert went by and she hadn't played it. The encore began with another song. Then, they decided to play one final song. And, there it was. The audience was silent*. The theatre was dark. And, she just played her heart out. It wasn't for me. It wasn't for Bill, or Maura, or Sophie. But, I cried, just like I am now. And, it was wonderful.
*except for the fools behind us, but that's another post.
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Like I've said before, I think there's nothing wrong with allowing yourself to wallow on occasion. Maybe I'm just too big a fan of self pity (in regimented doses), but I can't see that there's anything wrong with giving in to it. Yes, you have Eleanor and Josephine, and they are wonderful beyond measure. Yet, it's still NOT fair that you lost Sophie.
The first time I heard The Only One by Tracy Chapman it was shortly after you had lost Sophie. And now every time that I hear it, I think of you two. (And sob like a baby.)
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