The Word "Stillborn".

So, lately I have found myself spending hours pouring over the internet, searching for others like us. Others with a child born sleeping. I have gotten so intent upon it that my most recent searches use simply the word, "stillborn". My search of course has garnered many responses. Surprisingly, however, most of the hits have been entirely unrelated to lost children. There are countless articles discussing "stillborn plays" in football games, "stillborn bills" in congress, "stillborn homes" on empty sites, and "stillborn vacation plans". So, apparently, "stillborn" to many simply means thwarted before even beginning. I understand that, and the definition is very similar to that in what I have always considered to be reputable sources. But, my question is more one of heritage than definition. "Stillborn" is considered the opposite of "liveborn", a child "born alive". (Merriam-Webster) "Stillborn" I am then assuming was originally interchangeable with "born still". I can hardly believe there ever was a word, "stillborn", in the dictionary meaning "failing before or at the very beginning or inception" that was so literally intertwined with, but not related to, the idea of a child "failing before or at the very beginning or inception" of life. (American Heritage Dictionary) So, I am forced to believe that the origin of all meanings of the word, "stillborn" were at some point of or related to a child lost before birth, or "born still". Another thing I understand, as a writer of sorts, is that occasionally a writer stumbles upon a word with a literal meaning so perfect that she can hardly keep herself from using it. And surely there are few words better for the purpose of describing something falling just so very short of fruition as "stillborn". But, this brings me to my questions. Is it possible that the word "stillborn" has fallen into the category of a useable piece of the American vernacular? Do authors and reporters feel that "stillborn" is an appropriate word to use to describe anything "abortive or unsuccessful". (Wordnet) Do I need to start a personal crusade, replying to blogs and online articles everywhere? Am I to take on the heartless and bitter, single 30 and 40 something men who write these articles looking at highrise apartments through the windows of their highrise apartments, and relish over finding the "perfect word" to describe their trivial frustrations? Am I to burst their liberal or conservative bubbles, reminding of what they cannot possibly understand, that a "stillbirth" is not in any way synonymous with political issues or zoning problems, nor should the very heavy term ever be part of sports terminology? Do I need to quit my dayjob? Or do I need to really accept that, in some cases, the word is just a word? That the author of the article really has touched me with his frustration, and made me feel the deep, mind-blowing grief he must feel when he takes on the issue of yuppies' journeys to work rendered "stillborn" by flooded metro lines?

Oh, and if you really want to see someone who has misused the word "stillborn", check this out.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=9020892

Three Down, 362 to Go.

So, today is the third morning in a row that I have taken Miles for a mile-long walk. We are a happy two, as we walk. The walk gives me a chance to plan out imaginary scenarios in my head - my all time favorite passtime. And, there is an undeniable smile on Miles' face as a prances through the neighborhood in a his red harness and matching leash. Plus, we get sun and exercise, and come home with a total endorphin-rush and ready for packing! :o)

Hmmm...

Bushing my principles.

TALLAHASSEE, Fla.--Parents of stillborn children will be able to get a certificate of the child's birth under a bill Gov. Jeb Bush signed Friday.Florida is now the 14th state to offer certificates of stillbirths to mothers who carry their children at least 20 weeks and deliver them.

The bill was pushed in the Legislature by Daryl and Beth Logullo of Vero Beach, whose child Katherine was stillborn last year. The measure is named ``Katherine's Law.''The Logullos and other backers of the bill said it's not fair for the parents of stillborn children to only get a death certificate with no official acknowledgment to memorialize that the baby was born.``We're just very excited that the state is recognizing our children by issuing birth certificates to them that were born still. It's a wonderful day,'' Daryl Logullo said. ``Any woman in the state of Florida going back to the 1930s that has ever had a still born child can get what they deserve and that's their child's birth certificate.''

I certainly wouldn't say that I am overall a supporter of the Bush family dynasty. Not a fan. I am liberal in many ways. But, there is a certain element of respect for life in the more conservative factions that I greatly appreciate and agree with. I never thought I would say this, but thank you, Jeb Bush.

Which woman has died?

I want to write something. I have logged on here to write something. Something about the emptiness I am feeling. But, as I sit crosslegged, the laptop resting on my knees, I cannot access words or phrases. Bill and Miles are sleeping soundly in the bedroom, and still I sit here. The television is on in front of me, I think. Yes, it is. I hear it. I see it now. Some meaningless commercials are coming into soft focus. This entry is without spirit, without creativity. I have just switched off the idiot box. This is crucial moment. This is the time when I have no direction, I have no theme, I have only words and exposed pieces.

The nightlight is on in the baby's room, it's peach syrup brightness oozing like honey over the white-washed crib. Never, even in daylight, has mother switched off that comfort incandescence. Somehow she can't, even though she anticipates with terror the moment that the sweet shadow shudders in its final moments, and sleeps. On the day Sophie erupted silent and perfectly still from her mother, that light flickered on. Twilight has been far less fearful, imagining Sophie basking in light, never in the midnight cold of winter's frozen earth. Sophie has been given light, even in her stunned black death. But, I think mother has died. That part of mother is gone. She is perfectly sealed, slivers of light almost entirely shut out. Mother will never see Sophie grow. Sophie will never cry in mother's arms. Mother can now no longer imagine how Sophie would have sounded or felt. Sophie will never see mother's golden hair. So, here is the question, which woman has died?

Whoa. Time warp. I am out of retrospective, pervasive depression mode. Crazy. But, seriously, I did realize that feeling the other day. If I never see Sophie and she never sees me, then it is reasonable to ask which, if not both of us, is really gone. So, I can take this in two directions.

First, I can further explore the possibility that I am, in fact, dead. Hmm, that seems like a downer and a dead end. No pun intended. (Pinches self) Ow. Still here, if we accept the theory that pain resulting from pinching onesself is scientific evidence of one's status as "alive". Let's work within that precept.

So, we must move on the second option. I must prove to myself that "alive" means more than what I have thus far taken it to mean. If I can be so blessed as to live each day, and still wonder whether I am, in fact, gone, then I must be doing something wrong. I can live better than this. I may never be the woman that I would have been if Sophie were by my side, but I want her, my husband and my future children to look at me in awe of my ferocity for life. I want to go to Sophie proud someday with a rich treasure chest of experiences to share. I want her to shed a tear of happiness that she has made her mother and father more. More wonderful and appreciative people. More caring partners. More passionate and loving parents...I promise to try.

(I hate this ending. It is too late. I am delerious. Forgive me.)

What a Day.

"It feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest - and shitting on your face." - Dr. Charles Gelso, describing his recent heart attack.

What a wonderful day I've had so far. I spent a truly whinerific morning, hanging on Bill, while he played the world's tiniest violin for my sorrows. That, however, was not even the best part. Haha. I finally left the house, resigning myself to the fact that Bill and I would have to part for the next few hours.

Here, the fun really begins. First, I went to Target, buying myself a MUCH-needed new bra. My sagging breasts are so freaking happy. And perky. I also bought new tank tops - only wearable with my newly invigorated pair of chest accessories. Then, I stopped by my mother's, where I changed into my stying new digs. Then, I strided model-style and fashion-forward to my childhood best friend's house. She wasn't home, but I spoke to her father for about an hour, and that was fun and certainly made me feel like a good citizen - verrrry wholesome. From there, I was off to the pool, where Bill's mom was coaching her team in a swim meet against my childhood pool. A loaded match-up for me, to be sure. Actually, I have no idea who "won". (In a swim meet, is one pool "the winner"? I think so...) Bill was there when I arrived. Always lovely. And the meet was full of energy, and it was wonderful to see Bill's mom and sisters in their element. After the meet, we had a wonderful lunch with my father and his "lady friend", Donna. (Naturally, my father spent the majority of time talking about "homely" people - as Bill and Donna looked on, shocked, and I tried my darnedest not to join in the mockfest. Not as wholesome, but he calls it as he sees it.) Then, I bought snacks and a tape dispenser (for packing!) and headed home. Upon my arrival, Bill presented me with a gift! A wonderful ring that he had stopped and picked out for me at my favorite place, Savage Mill. Could there be a ring more "us"? Bill rocks. My heart is more full even than my day has been thus far.

Now, the France v Brazil soccer game is on, AND I just ate a cookie. I mean, this is certainly not poetic, but today has been awesome! And, it is only 3:22.