"I hate you."

Today, I took the girls to the post office and then to Big Lots.  It was four pm, and as usual Eleanor was in full tantrum mode.  Walking through Big Lots, she had a serious case of "The Gimmes" a la Berenstein Bears.  "Eleanor wants candles."  "Eleanor wants towels so bad."  "It's snack time.  Eleanor wants a snack."  So, I said to her, "Well, Eleanor we are not having a snack now - you'll have to wait until we get home."  She looked down at the ground and muttered, "I hate you."  I was agape. 

"You hate me?" 

"I HATE YOU!" 

"Did you say, 'I hate you.'?"

"Yes.  I hate you."

Needless to say, I scooped her right up and we left the store.  We had a long talk about how she hurt my feelings.  That saying "I hate you" is not ever a nice thing to say, etc.  She apologized profusely, and by the time we got home, I'd cooled down enough to put her in bed with a kiss.  She slept for three hours.

Later on, at dinner time, for seemingly no reason, she looked at me then looked down at the table and muttered, "I hate you..."  Huh?  I nearly flew off the handle then and there.

So, Bill said to her, "Eleanor, did you say, I hate you?"

"Hate you."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Nemo.  Nemo says it.  He says, 'I hate you' to his own daddy."

Wow.  Relief.  So, she might have been mad at me, but she doesn't legitmately hate me of her own accord.  Yet.  Give her a few years.

And, as a sidenote, she may have a career in theatre, because go watch Nemo (which we did later to confirm the scene where the offending words are shown).  The downward glance and muttered words are absolutely exactly what she did.  Crazy.

Pumping for Comfort.

So, I've pretty much decided to stop pumping.  When I started, I never set an end date, but I definitely had a goal in mind: Store as much milk as possible.  And, store I did - 1,100 ounces of milk.  That means baby Jo will have my milk until she's one.  If I quit, cold turkey, today.  Which I do not plan on doing, for two reasons. 

1) That would hurt.  Until starting to cut back a few days ago, I was making 30 ounces a day.  I do not want 30 + ounces building up anywhere in my body.  Ever.  That would just be excruciating.  So, as of now, I am pumping for comfort about two times a day.

2) I feel horribly guilty.  I know that Josephine has been exclusively breastfed.  And I am really proud of that.  And, I know she will be good to go until she's one.  But, my reasons for stopping are selfish, however legit.  I need that time for schoolwork and the girls.  I am just so busy, and it puts a real kink in my stride when I have to sit down for 40 minutes at a time.  (Yes, at this point it takes that long.)  Pumping still hurts, and at its best is super-uncomfortable - nothing natural about it.  I am emotionally and physically ready to be unstrapped.  But, I do know that the frozen milk is just not quite as good.  And I feel terrible about that - that is the definite downside.  But, she's eating way more table food than she is drinking now anyway, and most importantly, I do want to use it.  Why did I spend all that time squirreling away like a Depression survivor, if not to make use of my liquid gold? 

But, do you know what I feel like, if I'm being honest?  Like it will seem like I don't love my baby Josephine with my whole heart if I stop.  Like I won't deserve to be her mom.  There it is.  Also, I worry that I will go into a deep sadness because I will feel like a bad mom, but my milk will be irrevocably gone.  There.  My neurosis laid out on the table.  Anyway, so, emotionally as well, I am pumping for comfort.

Ugh, as you can see, I am mixed at best.  This is one of my least elegant bits of nonsense.  But, for my family, and my sanity, this may be the best thing.

Please, any comments or feedback would be appreciated, if you're someone who's interested in this topic...

Two side notes:  1) I ALWAYS have to look up the word "turkey."  I always second guess whether it's actually spelled "turky." 2) Where on Earth is the spell check feature on the new blogger layout?

Missing you.

As usual, Sophie Salome, I am missing you.  No need to get into the hard, deeper feelings of the past weeks.  Not here or now.  Today was beautiful.  Despite pendulous weather, we had a beautiful day.  But, it hurt to miss you like this. 

Who would have known your sister Eleanor would be the queen of trick or treat?  (Um, duh, everyone probably knew that.)  But, she marched from house to house, yelling "Happy Halloween!" and cackling like a witch.  It was delightful.  You would have loved it, too.

Who would have known your sister Josephine would have ridden content the whole time strapped to me?  (Again, everyone.)  But, she rode from house to house, babbling and being very brave in the drizzle.  And, kicking her pointed toes like a ballerina.  It was delightful.  You would have loved it, too.

Those things are such wonderful realities to live each day, and today was a good one for memories.  And, they make me ache for life with my four year old.  Four years, I've been your mom, and each of those thousands of days I've wished for you.  I still wish for you, all day every day.  And, imagine your sweet face, your "Trick or Treat," your strut down the sidewalk, your giggling with Eleanor while we wash the color from your hair, and your protests at bedtime.  My life could only be more wonderful if you were here with me.  Miss you, sweet girl.

We love you.  "I wish you would come back, but I know that you can't, so I guess this will have to be enough."

Happy Fourth Birthday, Sophie Salome.

Your day was so bright.
A witch and ballerina.

Both felt your spirit.

Happy Fourth Birthday, Sophie Salome.

Ate at the old place.

With what would be your best buds.

Your sister bit me.