I can't believe...

...that my baby Jogini is NINE MONTHS OLD. Sorry for the caps (which are generally not my style), but holy moly. She was a more demanding newborn than Miss Eleanor, and we thought she just might stay that way. But, it simply isn't true. She is like a great slice of cherry pie. Satisfying, solid, sweet, and just downright wonderful. (And, often sticky.)

Here are some facts about her:

Josephine can totally crawl! And, she's getting faster every day. (Because Eleanor crawled a full two months later than this, for the most part it's new to me. It's a different world, haha.)

Jogini MacPhini loves to eat. She's never met a food she doesn't like.

Jogi Bean says "hi," "momma," "da-ee," and "laaaa-la." These are somewhat loose, especially "laaaa-la," which is not, of course, a real word. It does, however, refer to "Lamby Lamby," her new chosen lovey stuffy, named by Eleanor.

Baby Jojo does not pull up much. She's done it a few times, but not in any consistent way. (She's been using her energy learning to crawl, I suppose!)

Jog' Mac Jog' likes to pull the covers off of the floor vents and dig around inside.

The Bean Mac Pheen waves. It's a tiny little wave, but it's clear.

Princess Josephine-Puddin' Pop* dances! This is one of the greatest developments - ever, in my life! Any time music comes on (and often that's when she crawls over to the fridge and pushes the button on the "Farmer Tad" toy), Josephine bobs in rhythm. And, even better is when she kicks her feet alternately in rhythm as well. It's the best.

Jogi Princess Pea has zero teeth. What on Earth? :o)

Jogi is the sweetest little thing. Or decidedly medium-large sized thing, I guess. Here are her nine month stats:

Weight: 20 lbs 4 oz - (50-75%ile)
Length: 27 3/4 inches (50%ile)
Head Circumference: 17 3/4 inches (75%ile)

*I realize I've gone too far with this one, but I DO call her that.

Eleanorism.

"Mommy, sit down! You're my bench!"

(Cute, right? Except that bench sounds a like more b*tch. Then, it's a little disturbing.)

Autumn is a nicer way to say Fall.

But neither one is so bad. It speaks of the very two-ness, the diunital nature, of the Fall experience in this house. How can something be two things in one moment? How can a feeling be felt twice over? How can I be two whole selves simultaneously? It is absolutely amazing.

Right this moment, I have that distinct ripping apart feeling of Fall. I sense decorations going up all around me, building upon themselves like monolithic reminders. I smell leaves burning. I see my breath as stand outside - watching the sun rising, casting golden sidelong glances at my house.

I feel that longing to go back. My heart wrenches and remembers. Those wounds I believed had healed over - they feel fresh and new. And yet, as I begin to writhe and twist with the pain of great-anticipation-followed-by-great-agony, I don't quite get to the agony phase. The agony used to be the crescendo. The crying was the main event. But, not any more. Now, my heart swells as I remember how I waited for my angel girl. I used to feel the searing pain along with the waiting, as glints of Autumnal light began to Fall. But, now I don't quite get that far. There is the weight of anticipation. My heart is heavy.

Fall. Autumn. Heavy. Pregnant. Loss. Feelings. Heavy. Explosive. Deep. Bellows. Heavy.

But, somehow, I am not fallen. The weight is heavy, but I am up and I am running with it. The colder air fills my lungs, and the hurt of what would have been, the anticipation of one girl, is replaced with what Autumn will be this year.

What am I trying to say? In the fewest words? How can I capture what I mean? How can I say that is still hurts, but the hurt isn't all there is?

October 31st (and the days that surround it), the days of the hollowest chasm and the most intense pain and longing, will be just those days. They will be those perfect, beautiful poetic days and they will be just those days with my lovely little family. We will miss and visit, and surely we will cry, but we will get up and suck in some sweet, cold air and carve pumpkins and take pictures and wrestle and laugh and rake leaves. And, it will hurt, and I will wear it plainly on my face, but it will be heavenly, and I will wear that, too.

Curly Jo.

I am not entirely sure you can see it here, but this crawling, talking, pulling-up, ever-smiling, growing-way-too-fast baby has some curls coming in. I feel so lucky to have her and so excited for each day watching her grow. Lately, I've had this distinct feeling that the heavens came together just right to knit my little Jogini. She is all lovely and joyful things rolled into one.

Jogini MacPhini.

I fully suggest muting this as you watch it, as my crooning is particularly irritating here.